Monday, October 15, 2007

My "Morning" Sickness, Explained

A friend suggested I start a blog for updates about my first pregnancy. I have a feeling this post is not what she had in mind.

The pregancy bible and the old hens said that if I hadn't felt sick to my stomach by now (six or seven weeks), I wouldn't. I started feeling nauseated pretty late in the first trimester (about nine weeks), and it usually lasts all day. At first I thought that it was because I was moving too fast, or not eating enough. Even watching water swishing in a bowl I'm washing triggers a good dry heave.

Yesterday a wise man explained this late onslaught of nausea to me in one sentence: I am carrying the devil's child. Actually what he said was: "You're the devil, you're f**cking a devil, and your baby's gonna be a devil."

My husband may be insensitive at times and a whiny baby other times (love you!), but certainly not the devil. Ask anyone who knows him! (Now me, I'm Hell on Wheels and proudly admit it!)
So how does the walking Oracle of Broad and Chesnut Streets know we're devils? My husband's white, I'm black. We're a couple of demons roaming the earth in search of other souls to recruit and later devour in the final bid to win the miscegenation war.

Eureka! I've sold my uterus to Satan and inside me grows Beelzebub.
Hence the constant dry-heaving, aversion to water, and low-grade nausea. It's not the extra hormones surging through my body, I was foolish to think that was the reason. But if I am the devil my own kind can't make me sick, right? Maybe the good Negroid genes inside me are waging war to protect me from the evil Caucasoid genes in an in utero fight for good and evil.

At this point I did what any self respecting devil would do- blew the seer a deadly kiss and watched his eyes bulge and ooze from their sockets. My husband encapsulated the oozings in a silver vile he keeps on his neck. The vile's in the freezer- we must add it to the baby's first bottle, or else he will never know the sweet nectar of evil, which we devils need to survive.

No comments: