Sunday, May 29, 2011

Just Venting

It is impossible for me to get everything I need to get done these days, and I'm only going to feel like even more of a failure when number #2 gets here. My bedroom floor has looked like a dirty clothes hamper for months, and up until last month, the downstairs violated several health codes. I need staff and the aid of modern technology to improve the quality of my life and to affect the illusion of my being a dilligent housewife and attentive, loving, stay at home mother of two children.

Staff means putting Tallu in daycare come September, and having a sitter this summer so she can have someone to play with and pay attention to her while I play nursemaid, get some sleep, and find the strength and time to do laundry and house cleaning for her, her father, her brother, and her mother. Staff also means a housecleaner come once a month to mop and dust. The aid of modern technology includes a dishwasher, a washing machine and dryer, and extra storage throughout the house.

It is no small miracle that I've survived the past three years of domesticity without the amenities I seek. I recognize that there are mothers and fathers who are in my shoes, and don't complain, just do what needs to be done, and would spit in my face for my whining. There are answers to my problems. They won't come in the form I imagine them, is all.

36 weeks, 5 days

This is the most pregnant I have ever been...

I went in for my 36 week appointment on Wednesday and immediately told my midwife about my waking up on Monday and crying about the labor and delivery. She reassured me that nothing is wrong with me, and that she had the same fear when it came time for her to give birth to her second child. The second time can be rattling because you've been through this before and you (generally) know what's going to happen. She also compared the fear women have of their role in labor to leading horses into a trailer. A horse is afraid to be led into a dark, cramped trailer because there is no escape. A woman feels trapped by the pain, and the realization that there is no escape from giving birth. Horses play games with each other, one of which is a comfort game, where they stroke each other. My midwife suggested I talk about my anxiety when it arises, which will help comfort me. My husband did a good job of that Monday morning, reminding me of what a good job I did during Tallu's birth, and letting me cry at 6:30 in the morning.

Besides the impending birth, baby's heart rate is fine, my blood pressure is fine, my weight is up to 153 lbs. We also did the Group B strep test and an iron leven test. Before I left the office, my midwife asked if I wanted an internal exam. I admitted I did, thinking it would put me at ease to know what's happening. As of Wednesday, I was 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Once again, this is no indication of when I will go into labor. My next appointment is June 8 (38 weeks).

Several women have looked at me and said I'm not going to make it to my due date. I accept that. My prayer is that I make it to June 8, because the other midwife will have returned from her maternity leave, and the head midwife will have returned from a conference. But I can't get comfortable in bed or sitting. I fatigue much more easily (I get sleepy when I eat a handful of nuts!). Basically, I'm minimizing movement because I am afraid to go into labor before the beginning of June. I want to make it to the birth center.

We also have back-up help in case my MIL is unavailable when it's time. I've salvaged some clothes that are gender-neutral for new baby from Tallu's old clothes, but that's all I've done in the bringing home baby prep. The bedroom is still a mess, the study has yet to be converted to a nursery for Tallu and her brother, we have to schedule Tallu's wellness appt at her pediatrician, and find out if they are taking new patients (a doctor left the practice a few months ago). So, as my husband says, we are just as prepared for number two's arrival as we were for number one's!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Week 33 Appointment

I figured I should start asking questions, since the event is fast approaching, so I asked Tallu and her dad to come in to the exam with me. We all met with Barb, heard the baby's heartbeat, determined where the baby's different body parts are (his head is still down to the right), and that we are going with the original estimated due date of june 23 for calculations. Barb said the date determined by the ultrasound can be two days ahead or behind, so it's best to go with the date of the last period.

How do I prepare Tallu for her brother's birth at the birth center?
What are the labor and delivery procedures for water birth here?

Go to Youtube and show her some clips of mammal births. Also, use her reaction to seeing me in pain to gauge how she may respond to seeing or hearing me in labor. There are books that show illustrations of women having babies that I may want to show Tallu as well. She told us quite a few stories about children as young as Tallu being helpful during labor and delivery, some being even more calm than the grown-ups!

Labor in the water is great. If I am laboring in the tub and the baby's arrival is fast approaching, I won't have to get out of the tub. What you don't see in a lot of water birthing clips is how icky the water can get (blood, mucus, poop, pee), which is not something anyone, midwife, mother or baby, want to be sitting in. Plus the tub is a spa tub, not truly large enough for multiple people and access to the vagina isn't the best. If I'm going to be flailing about during labor, being in the water may not be safe for me- I'd need to be a calm, composed person in the tub.

I said to Barb that in the perfect world I'd like to have the baby in the water, but am not attached to the idea. Looking back, what I expected from a water birth was serenity, not much pain, and a positive labor experience that didn't end in a C-section. I had a peaceful birth experience with Tallu without the water. Having completely missed the birth center experience because I went into labor at 36 weeks, my goal is just to get into the birthing room!

Monday, May 2, 2011

In Other News...

My 32 week appointment was rescheduled for this Wednesday because there was a birth at the birthing center last Thursday.

Saturday my in-laws came to hang out in the city with us, and we all had a grand old time, as we tend to do! Tallu's grandmaman has given us her schedule for the this month and next, in preparation for the main event. My mom asked me if I have an alternate, just in case. Right now the answer is no...

One of my husband's clients asked me if I had plans for if I go into labor while my husband is at work? Ummm...

I got nothing.

I should be researching cab companies and prices to get the birthing center. Although it's only 7.5 miles from our house, I imagine it will cost $40-50 get there, since it's beyond the city limits. I would also need a chaperone for Tallu, since she needs one at the birth center. So I should have someone who lives closer to be that person, in case I go into labor alone, my husband is doing fieldwork, and my MIL has a township meeting that runs ridiculously late. I pray I will have the luck I had with Tallu on the day of her birth!