36 weeks, 5 days

This is the most pregnant I have ever been...

I went in for my 36 week appointment on Wednesday and immediately told my midwife about my waking up on Monday and crying about the labor and delivery. She reassured me that nothing is wrong with me, and that she had the same fear when it came time for her to give birth to her second child. The second time can be rattling because you've been through this before and you (generally) know what's going to happen. She also compared the fear women have of their role in labor to leading horses into a trailer. A horse is afraid to be led into a dark, cramped trailer because there is no escape. A woman feels trapped by the pain, and the realization that there is no escape from giving birth. Horses play games with each other, one of which is a comfort game, where they stroke each other. My midwife suggested I talk about my anxiety when it arises, which will help comfort me. My husband did a good job of that Monday morning, reminding me of what a good job I did during Tallu's birth, and letting me cry at 6:30 in the morning.

Besides the impending birth, baby's heart rate is fine, my blood pressure is fine, my weight is up to 153 lbs. We also did the Group B strep test and an iron leven test. Before I left the office, my midwife asked if I wanted an internal exam. I admitted I did, thinking it would put me at ease to know what's happening. As of Wednesday, I was 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Once again, this is no indication of when I will go into labor. My next appointment is June 8 (38 weeks).

Several women have looked at me and said I'm not going to make it to my due date. I accept that. My prayer is that I make it to June 8, because the other midwife will have returned from her maternity leave, and the head midwife will have returned from a conference. But I can't get comfortable in bed or sitting. I fatigue much more easily (I get sleepy when I eat a handful of nuts!). Basically, I'm minimizing movement because I am afraid to go into labor before the beginning of June. I want to make it to the birth center.

We also have back-up help in case my MIL is unavailable when it's time. I've salvaged some clothes that are gender-neutral for new baby from Tallu's old clothes, but that's all I've done in the bringing home baby prep. The bedroom is still a mess, the study has yet to be converted to a nursery for Tallu and her brother, we have to schedule Tallu's wellness appt at her pediatrician, and find out if they are taking new patients (a doctor left the practice a few months ago). So, as my husband says, we are just as prepared for number two's arrival as we were for number one's!