Not Barefoot, Just Pregnant

Five Months in Five Paragraphs

2011-11-21T14:37:00.003-05:00

Samuel Lenox turned five months on the 18th. He's teething something terrible, and the only relief he can manage is gnawing on his own fist or nursing. The acid reflux is much better, and we've stopped giving him the meds for that. He's rolling over, grabbing things, pre-crawling, babbling (especially when he's in pain from the teething). He loves to smile at his parents and big sister, and nearly anyone who will smile at him. Samuel and his father were baptized together on August 21. It was a special day- he looked adorable in his too large all-white tuxedo. His dad wore a handsome suit that fit!

We had vacation at the end of August, and had a flurry of doctors' appointments before we were to leave August 27. SL's pediatrician was concerned about the sound of his breathing, and the concavity of his chest when he breathed. We braced ourselves for a visit at CHOP, and very relieved to learn the cause: tracheomalacia. The cartilage in his trachea is not rigid, and he sounds like Darth Vader when he breathes. He should outgrow it by 2 years. Click here for more information.

Our Maine vacation was cut short at the beginning and the end. Hurricane Irene delayed our leaving Philadelphia from Saturday to Monday, and prevented us from going to camp until Thursday, when power was restored. In the meantime, our friends JD and Lisa played gracious hosts to our toddler and newborn; our friends with their toddler, Eli, and his five year old cousin, Noah; and our friend, Ellie. It was great seeing everyone, meeting Lisa for the first time, and seeing a very pregnant Hil!

We were thrilled to finally get to camp Thursday. Our excitement was brief; Friday morning I checked my messages and discovered my mom, who lives in Brooklyn, had been rushed to the hospital Thursday, September 1. She'd had a stroke. Mom insisted that my family not cut our vacation short. We made our apologizes and everyone at Family Camp sent us off on Friday with their love and best wishes for my mom. I'm pleased to report she is recovering. Her speech and memory were not affected, and she's doing physical and occupational therapy to regain the use of her left hand and leg.

Tallu and SL have been travelling with me since September to visit my mom and help take care of business as she convalesces. God bless the resilience of little children, because their mom is doing everything she can to keep their lives normal during this upheaval. They've visited her in hospital rooms and now the nursing home, much to the chagrin of strangers, nurses, and security guards. I've had to take them with me because I cannot afford a sitter, and Samuel is nursing, so I don't want him far from me. They've been a bright spot in a tough time for their grandmother. They've only caught the common cold, thanks to the change in weather. The combination of being a mother of two children and caretaker to a parent have left precious little time to update the blog the way I did when SL was Tallu's age. There's so much more to write, and I'll make sure to find the time to keep up with number 2 as I did with number 1.

Worst Day Ever

2011-08-24T23:35:00.005-04:00

I'm about to tell you all about THE worst day I've ever had as a parent. I think I've let so much time pass because, for a while, I couldn't think of the incident without crying.

My husband woke up in the middle of the night to find me gone from our bed, and scoured the house looking for me. He was dressed and ready to leave our sleeping child alone in the house to look for me, only to find me whimpering in a corner in our basement. I told him what happened that day.

Tallu is pulling the books off the shelf after I had just cleaned her room. I tell her to put the books back on the shelf or I'm taking the shelf out of the room. She continues to take the books off; I get up and push the bookshelf into the hallway. She starts crying, and that makes me angrier. So I threaten that if she doesn't stop crying I'm taking the kitchen from her room. She starts crying harder. I grab the kitchen and shove it into the hallway, yelling at her all the while.

Then I stop.

I hear my daughter bawling, begging me to stop taking her stuff.

I look in the hallway at the mess I'd made of her stuff, and of her. I go back into her room, sit on her bed and start wailing, head in my hands. She's still bawling, only now she's saying "Stop crying, mommy, please stop crying!" I'm sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I'd completely lost control, because her tiny fingers couldn't put the books back on the shelf in the anal-retentive way I'd organized them. Because she's playing with the bookshelf like it's a toy. It's on the wall across from her bed. It's the focal point of her room; of course, she's going to play with it! If I put the kitchen in that space, she'd play with it all the time! D'uh, Mom! I wipe my tears, and bring everything back into the room. Only this time I put the toy kitchen on the wall facing her bed, and put the books on the bookshelf haphazardly, in the space where the kitchen used to be.

It was a horrible experience for both of us, one that Tallu still recalls on occasion. "Remember when you threw all my stuff out of my room, and you were crying and I was crying?" she'll sometimes ask. "Yes," I say, "I remember." It still hurts that she remembers and recalls it, even a year later.

What did I learn that day? I learned that my child was two, and she didn't give a damn if the books were arranged in size order or alphabetically. I realized she would play with the kitchen more if it were in her line of sight. I learned that if I put the books on the shelf in a way she could take the books on and off the shelf easily, she would. I discovered that I didn't need to keep her room neat all alone, she could help me. I thought to myself as I stacked the books on their sides on each shelf. "I don't care how she puts the books on the shelf, as long as she puts the books on the shelf, I'm cool with that," I told myself that day. I continue to tell myself when she does something I find annoying that I am the adult, and I must be in control of my emotions and responses, so that I can model healthy behavior for my daughter (and now my son, as well).

What's New with Tallu

2011-08-24T22:24:00.003-04:00

In this issue:
Potty Trained!
Big Sister-hood

The Great Chop
So Angry, She Could Spit

I took this pic of Tallu the morning I was in labor with her brother. Since this pic, she's become an older sister, slept in a berth on a train trip to South Carolina, fell and hit her head on the ground near a pool (she was fine, no need for a hospital visit), fell and split open her chin (five stitches!), and been trapped in the house when not traveling with her family because it's been too damned hot outside.

POTTY TRAINED!
Tallu is out of diapers and diaper-like underwear! I forget exactly when this happened, but it was before her brother arrived. Her dad and I were hesitant about letting her sleep with no overnight diaper, but we figured it was safe when she was consistently waking up dry. My mom suggested stopping her from drinking at a certain time, but I've found that if she goes to the potty before bed that's enough. Of course there have been accidents, but that's par for the course. I'm just grateful she was finished the diaper thing before her bro came, with no regression phase after his arrival.

BIG SISTER-HOOD
Their grandmaman brought Tallu home the Monday after Sam was born and witnessed their meeting. She was very surprised when Sam turned his head at the sound of his sister's voice. Tallu talked to him inside my belly all the time, so it was no surprise to me that he'd respond that way.

Tallu's adjusting very well to having another child in the house. Sam hasn't interrupted her life much more than he did while he was in utero. She was trapped in the house because I was pregnant in the winter, and she's trapped in the house now because it's too hot for either of them to be out this summer. They are not sharing a bedroom, and her bedtime rituals are unchanged. Tallu is allowed to touch her brother, although I wish she would touch him less, and she is rather affectionate toward him. Sam, in return, smiles at her, coos at her, and focuses on her when she is near him.

THE GREAT CHOP
Tallu also got a haircut, which was so very necessary with this heat. I took her to my stylist a few days after she became a big sister. She loved every minute of it! She got her hair washed in the back by Ursula, who ushered her back to the front to Shelley's chair. Tallu was grinining from ear to ear every time she looked in the mirror. It's a short bob, and it makes her look like big girl. She has another appointment scheduled at the end of September.

SO ANGRY, SHE COULD SPIT

No update would be balanced without some misbehavior, right? Tallu has this habit of spitting when she's really angry if she's received the answer 'no'. There's no distance, just a foaming at the mouth and letting it fall to the ground in my general direction. When it happens, I send her to her room to go to sleep or calm down and something is taken away for the day. I'm sure there are many of you out there who are shaking your heads at what sounds like a very casual response to rude behavior.

Here's my thinking: she will do it more often if I get all riled up with her. I have to be the grown-up and respond appropriately. She's usually super-tired when she does it, so the way to adjust the attitude is to go to sleep. She'll wake up refreshed, or she will have time to calm down. We talk about not spitting again, and spitting at me is not the way to make me change my mind about something. Then we move on. It's a rare occurance, but I have to remember she's immature. She doesn't get what I've said no to anyway, so isn't that the greater victory?

Right on Time

2011-06-26T14:29:00.003-04:00

Here is Tallu's baby brother, otherwise known as Samuel Lenox Green Hull.

Now that two months have passed since his birth, which happened on June 18th, 2011, let me tell you what happened.

Friday the 17th I decided that I needed a belly cast kit, and Tallu's big sister gift from Samuel, and Samuel's welcome gift from Tallu. So the family went shopping, then had dinner at a fast food restaurant. We got home, put Tallu to bed, then my husband and I got to work on the belly cast. I think we finished some time after midnight, got washed up and went to bed.

I awoke at 7:19am Saturday morning with menstrual cramps. I waited a little while before telling my husband, just to be sure. Around 9 am I called my mother-in-law to let her know the day had come. Tallu was supposed to go to a neighbor's birthday party and then Sesame Place with a friend, but she had to skip the birthday party. My husband caught our neighbor and his family before they left for the party site to make our apologies and to give the gift. I was in early labor when my MIL arrived, and we chatted for a while. We gave Tallu big hugs and told her to have a great weekend, and we'd introduce her to her baby brother when she came home!

I spent the rest of the day laboring at home. My husband timed contractions, I walked around, sat on my exercise ball, and did lots of deep breathing. My instructions were to call when contractions were two to three minutes apart, lasting a minute OR when my water broke. I called before either of these thing happened, because I was anxious to get to the birth center and take my antibiotics and labor there. I also talked to my doula friend and texted her while she was at a fair in New Mexico. She warned me that my water could not break until minutes before birth, as hers did.

Let's go back to the antibiotics. I tested positive for Group B strep, which is harmless to mom but dangerous and potentially fatal to baby. Baby is exposed to the strep bacterium as he comes out of the birth canal into the world. The laboring mother takes antibiotics to protect the baby. So, my labor's progressing steadily, though erractically, but I'm not meeting either requirement. I don't care though, because I know I need the antibiotics, so I call around 3pm. The midwife says to call when the pattern is better established. Husband and I time contractions and wait. At one point I did say aloud "Maybe we should just go to the hospital." But I waited it out because I really wanted to give birth in the birth center.

Finally at 5pm I call back. The contractions are not as close as they want but I'm feeling ready. Midwife says she and the nurse will meet us at the center at 7pm. *Sigh* I keep on the ball, breathing and living through the contractions. By the time we get in the car at 6:30, I'm singing "Wait, baby, please wait!" through strong contractions. I really felt as though I could have had the baby in the car. The midwife, nurse, and we were all driving from Mt. Airy to Huntingdon Valley to get to the birth center. The nurse arrived first, then us. We greet each other at the door, but the nurse doesn't have the key to the building, and the midwife is on her way. Luckily, another door was open, and we three were able to get in a few minutes later.

I get the IV after a contraction, and when the midwife arrives she washes her hands and checks me; seven centimeters dialated. I'm laying in bed but the contractions are too strong, so I ask to get in the tub. I didn't stay in long, but it felf good while I was there. I had to get out because with each contraction I felt like I needed to push. The midwife checked me again once I dried off, and I was 10 centimeters. It's 8pm, and I'm ready to push. My water hasn't broken, by the way.

My options at this point are to push and hope the pressure of the baby's head will rupture the sac, or the midwife can break it for me. I felt like pushing anyway so I opted to give it a try. That push did the trick. My next few pushes were, in hindsight, pretty weak. My husband says the nurse said something about a vacuum or going to the hospital, and the midwife said that the baby's heartrate was slowing as I was pushing. She felt inside and said he was hiding behind my pelvic bone, and that he needed to come out now.

My problem was that I couldn't see him in my mind's eye, so I couldn't focus on moving him out. Once she said he needed to come out, now, I focused on pushing out a baby that I couldn't see. I know it doesn't make any sense, but with Tallu I could see her in there, so I could focus my energy on moving her down and out. This time I had to push and pray I was working hard enough. On that last push I remember screaming "Help me, I need help!" because I didn't understand what I needed to do. But help came, and so did Samuel Lenox, at 8:26pm.

The nurse weighed him and measured him. 6lbs, 8 oz, 20in. The midwife checked me. An ugly tear that needed to be stitched. It took some convincing, but I laid kinda still for it. My husband made me a ham and cheese sandwich, I had some apple juice, fruit salad, and laid in bed to relish the sight of my son in my husband's arms.

The nurse checked Samuel and me every hour until 12:30am. Then we packed up and went back home, four hours after the final push. It was a little strange, but also wonderful to drive home that night with our tiny baby to spend our first night together in our home. The pic at the left of the entry was taken on June 19 in our bed. We were able to spend time alone, the three of us, until Tallu came home Monday.

"In an auspicious hour"

2011-06-14T00:04:00.002-04:00

A friend was kind enough to drive from South Philly with two boxes of cupcakes, a gift each for CharlieGuy and Tallu, and some welcomed company for my kid in the form of her four year old son. She blessed me with the words "B'Sha'ah Tovah," a traditional blessing to pregnant women in Hebrew, which means "in a good or auspicious hour." It has been a calming thought and a simple prayer since I learned the phrase Friday.

It has also helped me to talk to my doula, who is in NM and is coming back to Philly two days before my estimated due date. I wrote a quick note on her Facebook wall late Friday night: "I am silently freaking out. Talk me down :-D" She called me that night (which was 1 AM my time), and left me a message. Hearing her voice calmed me, and chatting on Facebook Sunday felt good, too. I told her I thought her next godchild was waiting until she's in town to emerge. We'd both love for that to happen, though if I were rich I would buy her a plane ticket out here now! She did say she would understand if he couldn't hold out another week.

We are anxious for the birth mainly because of the impending family vacation that happens two weeks after my estimated due date. My husband's siblings and their families will converge upon Hilton Head, and I don't want him or Tallu (or myself!) to miss seeing everyone all together. However, the longer CharlieGuy stays inside, the better it is for his health.

"Not my will, but Thy will be done." "B'sha'ah Tovah" This baby will come when the time is best. We will work together in that transition whenever it happens, and then I won't be pregnant anymore! I won't be able to sleep on my stomach for a while, but I will no longer wish for a forklift to help me in and out of bed.

No, THIS is the most pregnant I've ever been!

2011-06-13T23:33:00.003-04:00

I am typing this post from my bedroom as I sit on a blue exercise ball, feeling queasy and uncomfortable as I tend to these days. At the stroke of midnight I will be 39 weeks pregnant. I have survived two mini-heatwaves, a tumorversary party, and the Odunde festival without going into labor.

My husband has been a force of nature in this house, painting our living room, putting up pictures, moving books and bookshelves from what will be the nursery down to the living room (with the help of our neighbor/friend), and restoring the walk-in laundry basket to a large bedroom. We've bought some clothes for CharlieGuy at yard sales, and received some in the mail from our pals in Seattle. I've washed the new stuff, and old things like the baby car seat, the swing cover, and the seat to the activity center. I guess this is the nesting phase people talk about, which I totally missed last go-round. Our bags are not packed for the birth center, but Tallu and CharlieGuy's car seats are in the car.

Last Wednesday was my 38 week appointment. I found out that my iron level is normal, but I have tested positive for Group B strep. Group B strep lives on the body in the gastrointestinal, genital, or urinary tracts. I just happen to be colonized right now (carrying the bacteria). I'm not sick, but during the pushing phase the baby could be exposed to Group B strep, which could lead to a blood infection or meningitis. Odds are that won't happen, but as a precaution the midwife will give me antibiotics while I am in labor, same as she did when I gave birth to Tallu.

My instructions are to call the birth center when I have had strong contractions four to five minutes apart for an hour, OR if my water breaks, whichever comes first. If my water breaks the midwife wants to give me the antibiotics as soon as possible. [I just looked at the clock, and it's 12:01AM- Happy 39th week of gestation :-D]

Just Venting

2011-05-29T01:13:00.002-04:00

It is impossible for me to get everything I need to get done these days, and I'm only going to feel like even more of a failure when number #2 gets here. My bedroom floor has looked like a dirty clothes hamper for months, and up until last month, the downstairs violated several health codes. I need staff and the aid of modern technology to improve the quality of my life and to affect the illusion of my being a dilligent housewife and attentive, loving, stay at home mother of two children.

Staff means putting Tallu in daycare come September, and having a sitter this summer so she can have someone to play with and pay attention to her while I play nursemaid, get some sleep, and find the strength and time to do laundry and house cleaning for her, her father, her brother, and her mother. Staff also means a housecleaner come once a month to mop and dust. The aid of modern technology includes a dishwasher, a washing machine and dryer, and extra storage throughout the house.

It is no small miracle that I've survived the past three years of domesticity without the amenities I seek. I recognize that there are mothers and fathers who are in my shoes, and don't complain, just do what needs to be done, and would spit in my face for my whining. There are answers to my problems. They won't come in the form I imagine them, is all.

36 weeks, 5 days

2011-05-29T00:12:00.003-04:00

This is the most pregnant I have ever been...

I went in for my 36 week appointment on Wednesday and immediately told my midwife about my waking up on Monday and crying about the labor and delivery. She reassured me that nothing is wrong with me, and that she had the same fear when it came time for her to give birth to her second child. The second time can be rattling because you've been through this before and you (generally) know what's going to happen. She also compared the fear women have of their role in labor to leading horses into a trailer. A horse is afraid to be led into a dark, cramped trailer because there is no escape. A woman feels trapped by the pain, and the realization that there is no escape from giving birth. Horses play games with each other, one of which is a comfort game, where they stroke each other. My midwife suggested I talk about my anxiety when it arises, which will help comfort me. My husband did a good job of that Monday morning, reminding me of what a good job I did during Tallu's birth, and letting me cry at 6:30 in the morning.

Besides the impending birth, baby's heart rate is fine, my blood pressure is fine, my weight is up to 153 lbs. We also did the Group B strep test and an iron leven test. Before I left the office, my midwife asked if I wanted an internal exam. I admitted I did, thinking it would put me at ease to know what's happening. As of Wednesday, I was 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Once again, this is no indication of when I will go into labor. My next appointment is June 8 (38 weeks).

Several women have looked at me and said I'm not going to make it to my due date. I accept that. My prayer is that I make it to June 8, because the other midwife will have returned from her maternity leave, and the head midwife will have returned from a conference. But I can't get comfortable in bed or sitting. I fatigue much more easily (I get sleepy when I eat a handful of nuts!). Basically, I'm minimizing movement because I am afraid to go into labor before the beginning of June. I want to make it to the birth center.

We also have back-up help in case my MIL is unavailable when it's time. I've salvaged some clothes that are gender-neutral for new baby from Tallu's old clothes, but that's all I've done in the bringing home baby prep. The bedroom is still a mess, the study has yet to be converted to a nursery for Tallu and her brother, we have to schedule Tallu's wellness appt at her pediatrician, and find out if they are taking new patients (a doctor left the practice a few months ago). So, as my husband says, we are just as prepared for number two's arrival as we were for number one's!

Week 33 Appointment

2011-05-09T23:10:00.002-04:00

I figured I should start asking questions, since the event is fast approaching, so I asked Tallu and her dad to come in to the exam with me. We all met with Barb, heard the baby's heartbeat, determined where the baby's different body parts are (his head is still down to the right), and that we are going with the original estimated due date of june 23 for calculations. Barb said the date determined by the ultrasound can be two days ahead or behind, so it's best to go with the date of the last period.

Questions:
How do I prepare Tallu for her brother's birth at the birth center?
What are the labor and delivery procedures for water birth here?

Answers:
Go to Youtube and show her some clips of mammal births. Also, use her reaction to seeing me in pain to gauge how she may respond to seeing or hearing me in labor. There are books that show illustrations of women having babies that I may want to show Tallu as well. She told us quite a few stories about children as young as Tallu being helpful during labor and delivery, some being even more calm than the grown-ups!

Labor in the water is great. If I am laboring in the tub and the baby's arrival is fast approaching, I won't have to get out of the tub. What you don't see in a lot of water birthing clips is how icky the water can get (blood, mucus, poop, pee), which is not something anyone, midwife, mother or baby, want to be sitting in. Plus the tub is a spa tub, not truly large enough for multiple people and access to the vagina isn't the best. If I'm going to be flailing about during labor, being in the water may not be safe for me- I'd need to be a calm, composed person in the tub.

I said to Barb that in the perfect world I'd like to have the baby in the water, but am not attached to the idea. Looking back, what I expected from a water birth was serenity, not much pain, and a positive labor experience that didn't end in a C-section. I had a peaceful birth experience with Tallu without the water. Having completely missed the birth center experience because I went into labor at 36 weeks, my goal is just to get into the birthing room!

In Other News...

2011-05-02T13:53:00.002-04:00

My 32 week appointment was rescheduled for this Wednesday because there was a birth at the birthing center last Thursday.

Saturday my in-laws came to hang out in the city with us, and we all had a grand old time, as we tend to do! Tallu's grandmaman has given us her schedule for the this month and next, in preparation for the main event. My mom asked me if I have an alternate, just in case. Right now the answer is no...

One of my husband's clients asked me if I had plans for if I go into labor while my husband is at work? Ummm...

I got nothing.

I should be researching cab companies and prices to get the birthing center. Although it's only 7.5 miles from our house, I imagine it will cost $40-50 get there, since it's beyond the city limits. I would also need a chaperone for Tallu, since she needs one at the birth center. So I should have someone who lives closer to be that person, in case I go into labor alone, my husband is doing fieldwork, and my MIL has a township meeting that runs ridiculously late. I pray I will have the luck I had with Tallu on the day of her birth!

It's Our Anniversary (almost)

2011-04-16T14:01:00.006-04:00

Tallu has been weaned since I think April 19, 2010. I am amazed that, a year later, she is still emotionally attached to my boobies. If she catches a glimpse of them, she's giddy. Sometimes she'll realize how close she is to them if she's sitting on my lap or if I'm holding her on my hip and she will start to rub them. If I were to ask her today: "Do you want some milkies?" she would rip my shirt off and latch on like she hadn't been fed in months! There have been a few days where she's asked me: "Can I have milk from your milkies?"

I have explained to her several times that, when her baby brother comes home, he will have milkies because he's a baby. The same way she had milkies when she was a baby. Now that she's a big kid, she gets to eat food and drink milk from a cup(strawberry milk, even!)That makes her feel good, for now.

I wonder when we're home and I'm nursing #2, how will Tallu react? I don't think I should have to hide nursing time from her, but I also don't want her to feel abandoned. If he's anything like his sister, he'll be a little boobaholic, too! I have no answers, and I don't expect you readers out there to have hints and suggestions on this situation, although that would be so helpful to me...

Week 30 Visit, or, "Freak Out!"

2011-04-16T12:50:00.003-04:00

The good news is that the baby's heartbeat is steady. My fundus is measuring within the normal range, and I've only gained about nine pounds during this pregnancy. Unfortunately I was twenty pounds more than I should weigh when I became pregnant, but that's my problem. How much do I weigh, you may wonder? *sigh* 149 lbs. I know it's not really any of your business, but if I see the number it may motivate me post-partum to return to a weight more manageable for my 5'2" frame to carry.

So why am I freaking out? My regular midwife is currently on maternity leave, so I am now seeing Barb, the head of the practice. She asks if I have any questions, so I mention to her that we have a family vacation scheduled for July 8.

She winces, then asks for my due date. I tell her, and Barb gets out the wheel of fortune, that little disk that estimates due dates. The concern, she continues, is that the latest I could give birth is July 7 (at 42 weeks). Also, if the baby comes right on schedule, I'd be only two weeks post-partum. This is the riskiest time for a woman in terms of bleeding and complications. Plus, I'd be riding a commercial train with a two week old baby, exposing him to all kinds of germs. Barb says she'd feel more comfortable with me having the baby a month earlier for both our sakes. She mentioned induction, but would not want to do it for convenience's sake.

I recognize that I have absolutely no control over when this child comes, unless I want to schedule an induction, which I don't. I told my husband's mom that I will plan a fake baby shower, so this baby will come out on that date. (It worked last time.) Of course I don't want this one to come as early as Tallu, but Memorial Day Weekend marks 37 weeks. I keep saying I can go into labor anytime after May 31, preferably the first two weeks of June.

It is also true that I could skip the vacation. In theory. My husband's brother and family are flying from Washington, his sister and her family are flying from Wisconsin. I would feel horrible to miss another family event (I missed his brother's West Coast wedding nearly four years ago because of a last minute change in the exhibit schedule at work.) Tallu would not see all her cousins, aunts and uncles. My husband would not see his siblings, niece, and nephews. It would be nice for everyone to meet the newest member of the family. I'm putting the guilt trip on myself. I give my blessing to my husband and Tallu to go without us if I happened to deliver on time or later, but he insists that's not an option.

It's all out of my hands. No use stressing myself. Wu Wei.

Week 29

2011-04-07T21:51:00.002-04:00

I am 29 weeks pregnant, no gestational diabetes as you know, and all the baby's vital signs are good. I am increasingly more uncomfortable. I mentioned at my last appointment that I was having trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position, and that I felt most comfortable on my back. My midwife said that if I am in a position the baby doesn't like, he will kick. That'll wake me up, and I will adjust myself. If I am on my back and am not short of breath, then be comfortable. Get some pillows to prop myself up, or a body pillow to sleep with while I'm on my side. Last pregnancy I was glad when we upgraded from the full mattress to a queen. We certainly can't afford to upgrade to a king, but I think we will have to move our leather reclining chair to the bedroom so that I can sleep on it. I'll look like a Craftmatic adjustable chair commercial. Hey-do they still make those?

We have secured Tallu's grandmaman to watch Tallu at the birthing center when the time comes. It's a great worry off our minds- she's close by, she's been through two natural childbirths herself, so she wouldn't freak out by anything she hears in the next room, and Tallu likes spending time with her. I told her that I should set up a fake baby shower so that he will come on the day of that shower (she got a good laugh). Now I just have to prepare Tallu for what happens to mommy during labor. Don't laugh, but I was watching Oprah a few weeks ago when she had Phil Donahue as a guest. He talked about the episode where he showed a live home birth, and the three year old daughter who screamed "It's a puppy!" when her sibling arrived. So it's possible for little children to be there and not be traumatized. I also know that Tallu may not want to be anywhere near, so I must prepare for all contingencies.

I should also note that I am 147lbs, which is devastating. I hate weighing myself and having to see that number, then report to my midwife. I imagine by the end of this pregnancy I will weigh in the 150s. It is completely my fault for not losing the weight between pregnancies, and I am vowing to myself that I will start to work off the baby weight once my midwife gives the green light for exercise. Just no running, I hate running.

What's New with Tallu!

2011-04-07T20:56:00.004-04:00

In this issue:

BIRTHDAY!!!
Potty Training
Bedtime Rituals
Cats and Dogs are Fun (again)

BIRTHDAY!!! Tallu is three years, nine days old today. She had three little celebrations instead of the massive birthday party: a dinner party at Grandmaman and Papa's house, with her aunt, uncle, godfather, and cousin; blueberry pancakes with candles in them and a shopping trip on her actual birthday, and lunch with her Grandpa and Nana on Saturday. All celebrations were exciting for her, as she received gifts at each. I enjoyed the birthday breakfast because we ate at the same cafe where the baby shower was held. Thanks to everyone who celebrated and recognized our child's birthday!

Potty Training I think we're doing well on this front. Tallu wears panties during the day, and Pull-Ups at night. There have even been a few nights that she's woken up to pee. She gets herself to the potty in time, even for bowel movements. A friend cautioned that once number two gets here there may be a regression, which I pray doesn't happen. I've already lived through the Thanksgiving regression, and it's taken this long to recover. We took the train to NJ for the birthday dinner, and I realized too late that Tallu was wearing panties for the two hour trip. She also fell asleep on the longest leg of the trip. I prayed that she wouldn't pee in her sleep, and she did wake up dry. I'm glad I made her use the potty before we left the house, and that Trenton's train station has a public bathroom.

Bedtime Rituals Sometimes she goes to sleep without a fight, sometimes she does the run into the room after tuck-in. The worst are the inexplicable 3 am wake-ups that last for two hours. If she wakes up at 5 and can't get back to sleep, I will turn on a light in her room and let her play for a little while- she's awake, but she's contained in her room so her dad and I can sleep. That's harder to justify at 2 or 3 in the morning. One night she woke up complaining of leg pain, but hasn't done that since. Who knows what the hell is going on. Maybe she's being prepared for the random wake-up times her little brother will have?

Cats and Dogs are Fun (again) We drove to Connecticut to visit with Tallu's great-grandfather last Sunday, a week after his third wife, (Tallu called her Gubby), died peacefully in her sleep from cancer. We spent time at the house before going into town for lunch, where Tallu sat on the floor and played with a doll house. Gubby and Papa B are animal lovers, and there are four cats in the house. I took her around to say hi to all the cats- Tallu giggled and waved, no tears were shed. She was even sitting on the floor playing with a doll house when the youngest cat, Mittens, came to see what was happening. Tallu kept on playing. She did not freak out when he sniffed at her, and even gave Mittens the little Elmo toy to play with. Gubby would have been very pleased to see that; Papa B, Tallu's dad and I enjoyed it very much. This bodes well for the future, because her dad and I would like to have a cat in this house, as soon as we clean this place up and can afford to take care of two children AND a cat...

Tallu's even doing better with her big dog friend, Doolin. Doolin's doggy parents and I joke that it's ridiculous that they don't get along better, since they are so much alike. Sunday Doolin was excited to see Tallu and jumped in her face to sniff and lick Tallu. There were no shrieks of terror! I think Tallu even called Doolin to her, and Doolin looked at her doggy mom and me as if to say "Can I really go over there?" I said "Yes, Doolin, you can go. She's fine!" Sure enough, doggy and toddler were, indeed, fine.

Well, that's all I can think of...

NO GESTATIONAL DIABETES

2011-03-31T22:12:00.003-04:00

All the levels were within normal range. The lab couldn't test for the second hour because I couldn't give enough blood. Two out of three results need to be readable to make a determination, so I am good to go! It was a good scare, though, a reminder that I do need to eat better and exercise more in order to do what I can to prevent having 'the sugar' as my grandparents' referred to it. Of course, I will do all that exercise jazz after I push this kid out. I am too damned tired to do much of anything these days, and I'm only 28 weeks along. Cleaning house is about as much as I can handle these days, and I barely do that :-/

Week 27

2011-03-24T13:30:00.002-04:00

Today I have two appointments. I've been to one, and am writing to kill time until the next.

The first appointment was for the three hour glucose tolerance test. I took the glucose screening test last month in the midwife's office, and my levels were 150. If you score 140 or above you must submit to the three hour test, and this initial level of 150 does not mean I have Gestational Diabetes. The results of today's test will determine whether or not I have it.

My regular midwife did not call with the news, the head of the practice did, and she didn't sound too pleased about it. I've been beating myself up about this news since she called. I should have assumed I'd get it again, because there is a 2 in 3 chance of recurrence in subsequent pregnancies. I was committed to the "different baby, different placenta" mantra, since it's the placenta that's responsible for breaking down the glucose for the baby. My diet hasn't been terrible, but I also haven't been as active as I could have been this time around. When I was pregnant with Tallulah, I was hardly sedentary and still I had GD.

People don't believe me when I say we are done having children. I am done having children. I do not enjoy knowing I have a temporary case of diabetes while gestating. I don't like that my chances of developing type 2 diabetes are increased because I've had GD. (It also doesn't help that both my paternal grandparents had Type II Diabetes) Granted, things could be worse, but I don't want to put my body through this again. I'm not sure how I'm going to prevent myself from being pregnant ever again, but I will prevent it, I know that much. I will also have to eat as though I have diabetes and exercise a hell of a lot more during what's left of this pregnancy and afterwards. My grandfather had his leg amputated. I don't think I'd look good with a wooden leg.

Of course, I may not have GD at all. But I assume the worst for myself, as I tend to do. I'll let you know the results when I get them.

So Very Tired

2011-02-18T19:36:00.002-05:00

I have done a pretty good job of keeping this pregnancy off my Facebook page, so if you are reading this post I'm going to be whining and complaining here. It'll be brief.

Why the hell did I think it would be a good idea to take Tallu to Princeton's campus today, with no stroller? The thought of spring-like weather and my husband working at an intern fair was the opportunity of a lifetime. Shouldn't really complain, though. We got good exercise, Tallu was recruited by a member of Princeton's Juggling Club, and she got college intern fair schwag! It's 7:40pm, and my back is killing me! We are at my husband's office, killing time before we drive home so the drive replaces the bedtime routine.

Tomorrow, Tallu will have a fun day in "Phillydelphia" with her grandmaman, while her dad and I try to clean up our very messy house. I'm just sorry tomorrow it will be a breezy 40 degrees for them, but they'll be indoors at the Please Touch.

Patience Has Its Rewards

2011-02-10T22:10:00.002-05:00

The ultrasound appointment on Monday was excruciating. I had to drink 32 oz of water an hour before the appointment, and I was not allowed to let it out until after the ultrasound. My appointment was at 12:45, I didn't get into the lab room until nearly 1:30.

I could not sit while I waited. Tallu's dad kept her occupied while I filled out paperwork and willed myself to resist the urge to run to the bathroom. I told the intake lady I was in for a pregnancy ultrasound and really had to use the bathroom. When we finished our exchange she told me to tell the lab people that I was "very full," and they'd know what to do. She also asked me to tell her the results of the ultrasound.

"Very full" is like "abracadabra!" I still had to wait for those who had appointments before me, but the lab receptionist relayed my message, and a tech hustled me into the room. This lady was cordial, but cut right to business. She explained that she had to get lots of measurements, and my bladder had to be full to get the best images of the baby. She also wasn't going to do a lot of talking, and she'd let me see the screen when she got every image she needed. The tech was swift and sympathetic. We bonded over the cruelty of making a pregnant woman drink so much water and hold it in while a stranger puts warm liquid on the belly and presses right on the bladder. She also turned the screen so I could see what was happening inside, and shared the sex of the baby as soon as she saw it, after asking if I wanted to know.

I told her my husband and daughter were in the waiting room, and they'd be excited when I told them the news. She asked for Tallu's age, which is much younger than what the hospital allows into the exam room. The tech asked about my daughter's temperament, and I said she was a calm child who's been to all my prenatal appointments. I was allowed a bathroom break; the rest of my family was waiting in the exam room when I returned. They were able to see the baby in real time on the screen, moving around. Big Sis was excited, and said the baby was cute. The tech talked us through the pictures she was taking now, how far along I am, and that my due date is two days earlier than estimated. She also, very casually, pointed out the baby's legs and sex organs. Once Tallu's dad realized what she was saying he explained who we were looking at on the screen to Tallu.

The tech printed three pictures for us: two profile pictures, and the baby's hand grabbing at his penis. We, the parents, requested that last print-out.

What's New with Tallu- 2011 Edition

2011-02-05T22:45:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time since I've updated you on all things Tallu. In this issue we will discuss:

Potty training regression
Christmas Day at Home
"My Babies"
Bedtime Ritual

Potty Training Regression
We were doing so well until Thanksgiving. We did a bit of traveling for the holiday, Tallu had a nasty cold, and all that training went down the drain. She went from going to the potty of her own volition, to having to be told several times a day "It's time for you to sit on the potty." I went back to letting her go without a diaper. Bad choice: I was deep in the nauseated phase of the first trimester, and the last thing I needed was to bend over and clean that mess. So I made Tallu do it. I told her if she insisted on peeing and pooping on the floor, she had to clean up the mess. Tim's grandfather, a retired Colonel in the US Army and father of three, approved of my decision.

I did a huge clean-up of our living room just before Christmas, which included throwing away our rug. She had peed on it so much I felt like it wouldn't do to have her bathroom under our feet. She has not returned to going on her own, and I'm annoyed that I have to tell her five times a day to sit on the potty. But the times where I haven't said anything she hasn't made it to the potty.

Christmas Day at Home
We will have been in our home for two years at the end of this month. Christmas Day 2010 was our first Christmas at home. We overslept and missed church, but Tallu ran into our bedroom around 11, asking if she could open her presents now. The gate at the top of the stairs was open, so by the time I got downstairs she had already opened a gift! Her dad missed it, too, because he went to get doughnuts for breakfast. It was so peaceful and fun, hanging in our house, in our PJs, watching our kid scream with delight over every single gift. The gifts from Mom and Dad came from Santa, and her grandparents, uncle and aunt, and godparents mailed gifts, which Tallul said Santa brought her. We let Santa take the credit for our gifts, but not the others.

"My Babies"
Tallu's grandmama and papa gave her play furniture for her Bitty Baby: stroller, playpen, and activity mat for Christmas. A friend of our family gave Tallu a baby that takes a bottle and pacifier and makes sounds when you take them away before its finished. Tallu puts them down for naps, gives the baby her bottle and pacifier, and says "It's okay, baby." She's declared that she's their mommy. At first I didn't know what to make of the baby furniture, but it should be pretty handy. While I am taking care of the brother or sister, Tallu can take care of her babies!

Bedtime Ritual
Tallu has made a game of escaping her room after tuck-in. She'll open her door, run to our room, run to my side of the bed, climbing up as she insists "I can't sleep." Her dad has taken to being up at the door when he hears her feet hit the floor in her room, yet she always manages to slip by him. I've pretty much handed him the bedtime ritual, because during the week this is the only time they see each other during the day. He's not amused by her antics, and I must support his sternness, but I secretly enjoy her escape attempts for two reasons: 1- I get to lay in bed during all of it, and 2- I get to think it's as cute as it is because I don't have to do anything about it. Except say "Did Daddy say get back to bed? Then, good night, Tallulah!"

Week 18 Appointment

2011-01-28T22:45:00.002-05:00

Whoever is in there is alive and well. The heartbeat is steady, I am still measuring where I should be. My weight is holding steady, which is normal and fine. My midwife gave me the script for the ultrasound, which I will try to schedule over the weekend if I can, and by Monday at the latest. I forgot to mention that I wanted the genetic testing, and she forgot to ask if I wanted it, so we're not doing it.

My midwife asked if I had any questions, and I didn't really. Only I had to tell her about the big family vacation we're taking in July, about two weeks after my due date. She said "That's cutting it close." Her only concern is the post-partum bleeding. If I'm overactive, my flow will be also. Fortunately we will be in a big house, and Tallu will be surrounded by her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. This would, in theory, allow me to lay around and relax in the days after childbirth.

I also mentioned that I am starting to ponder what happens to Tallu during childbirth. The birthplace welcomes siblings, but requires a chaperone for the older siblings. If we do want her present at the birth, we have to decide who her caregiver will be during that time. Hospitals have different policies, so we'd have to have a contingency plan, in the event that I have to have the baby in the hospital.

Tallu has been in the exam room for every prenatal appointment. When I had to give blood again she was sitting on the floor playing with a puzzle. I realize seeing Mom get stuck with a needle (or not) is different from hearing Mom moan and sing her way through labor. I have to find books out there to prepare her for the event, and also be prepared for the fact that she may not want to be around when it happens.

My doula/Tallu's madrina now lives in the Southwest, where she is in midwifery school. Oh, if she were here, problem solved! My husband and she could trade places taking care of me and Tallu. But I cannot focus on 'if only.' I am halfway through gestation, so I'm glad I'm thinking of all these details now.

Week 14 Appointment

2011-01-03T23:32:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year!

The 14 week appointment was quick. The heart's still beating, the fundus is where it should be. Unfortunately there was something wrong with one of the vials of blood sent to the lab (a count was off), so I had to have more blood drawn. I also confirmed that my midwife is expecting a baby, which was very exciting news! Her due date is a day after Tallu's birthday, and I suggested she should have her shower in about two weeks, so she's guaranteed to make it there.

I'm still very nauseated. But I also feel the baby's movement, not unheard of so early in second pregnancies. Tonight my husband could feel it, too, which he enjoyed.

The next appointment will bring two things: a script for an ultrasound, and our decision to submit to prenatal genetic testing. It'll be nice to see whoever is inside. People are asking if we know what we're having and will we find out. We don't know yet, but I think we will find out. The more difficult question to answer is: will I submit to the testing? I say if there are abnormalities in results I'd still have the baby, so why take the tests. I did the testing last time, but I don't recall it being presented as a choice. My mom and husband say it's better to have the time to prepare ourselves should we need to. Odds are I will take the tests, but it's nice to have the extra time to think. I have to give my midwife an answer at next month's exam because these tests are time-sensitive.

Tallu is enjoying going to "the doctor's house" to play with toys and listen to the baby's heartbeat. We have a few books about the new baby in the house and becoming a big sister. The best part is that I've put her ultrasound pictures in one of the books, so she can see what she looked like inside her mommy's belly. She likes that very much. We're going to put together a Tallulah baby picture book, at least that's what her dad said last night.

That's all for now...

The Second Time Around

2010-12-20T23:52:00.003-05:00

I'm pregnant. Yes, this was a planned second. I know I've said in previous posts that I was not ready for number two. This is still true, but we had to be realistic about this. If we really do want two children, I should do this while I am in stay at home mode, while Tallulah and number two will be close enough in age, and before I get myself into grad school and back to the paid working world.

I hit the twelve week mark last Thursday, and heard the baby's heartbeat on November 30.

Daddy-to-be again and Big-Sister-to-be were in the examining room when my midwife heard the heartbeat, so the family heard it together. Tallu knows what's happening, but I don't make a big deal about it. I want us to enjoy these moments of three-dom, because it's not going to last much longer.

I'm nauseated and tired, but instead of having to leave the house for work, I get to do this with Tallu as my boss. The upside to being a pregnant stay at home mom is the bed and bathroom are so very close by, and no one is going to ask me why I'm going to the bathroom so much.

In fact, when I do find myself in the bathroom longer than I expected, I get free entertainment. Tallu has taken to rubbing her stomach, saying "My tummy feels funny. I have to go do something in my potty." Then she runs to her potty and starts to mimic me. I told her madrina (godmother) that it's hard to not to laugh and hurl at the same time, but I do make a mental note to enjoy my daughter's expression of sympathy.

How am I feeling otherwise? A little scared- I don't want to have gestational diabetes again. Not terribly excited to go through labor and delivery again. A bit worried at being able to care for another little human being. Yet grateful that we were able to conceive, and grateful for the tiredness and nausea, because I know that so far, everything is alright in there.

We have not taken any ultrasounds yet, and are opting out of genetic testing this time around. The ultrasound can wait until the 20 week visit, and I'd have the baby regardless of any test results. Although I am too nauseated and tired to be demonstratively happy, it is comforting to know that the people we've told are excited by the news. (And if they're not, they've wisely kept their dismay to themselves.)

Merry Christmas!

(and no, it would not be at all inappropriate to start a "Will she make it to her due date?" pool. The estimated date is June 23.)

"I'm scared of my poopies!"

2010-11-11T20:01:00.002-05:00

The potty training is on a steady pace, but the poopies are a problem.

Last night, Tallu fell asleep on my bed in the early evening. I tried to put a diaper on her while she slept, and roused her from slumber. I transferred her to her bed, where she remained awake, whiney, and on all fours. Then that familiar smell hit my nose, and I felt the bottom of her diaper. She had a funky boulder in there. After much coaxing I was able to remove the diaper, and she gave me her usual refrain: " AAAAH! I'm scared of the poopies!"

It's incredibly frustrating to me. She will announce that she has to pee and does it. I can see in her facial cues that she has to poop. She nows whines, holds her butt, and probably sucks it back in. She would rather poop in her diaper and stay in it for hours than make a deposit in the potty. (She once spent half a day in a poopy diaper because she refused to let me change it. I figured, fuck it, maybe she'll get so sick of wallowing in her own filth she'll choose the potty next time. WRONG!)

By many accounts I choose to believe, pooping on the potty is a big hurdle. Children being scared of it is common. I read somewhere that because it's solid, to a child it may feel like part of the body is falling out. A change in diet may help. Of course, my child would need to eat, and it's so hard to tell what the devil she will want to eat from minute to minute. I need to find fiber-rich and stool softening foods that will promote healthy, softer poopies.

I feel for her and her little butt. We had a little chat today about the source of the fear of poopies (it smells bad, and it hurts her stomach and her little butt, she says). I confessed that sometimes it hurts me too, but I feel so much better getting them out, and so will she! I reminded her that animals poop in the forest, so we can pretend that her potty is the forest. There are frogs and turtles on the potty seat. I'm hoping that pretend game will work...

With that having been said, Tallu asked to wear panties when we went out for breakfast last Saturday. She used the public toilet and had no accidents. Yesterday she woke up with a dry diaper and used her potty. I had errands to run in the morning and she did not pee in the diaper while we were out, she used the toilet again. So there are definitely steps in the right direction!

Hi Boobies!

2010-10-12T12:17:00.002-04:00

It's been almost six months since Tallu and I stopped nursing. We're still adjusting. First, I had to explain that the milkies were empty, so they are mommy's boobies now (again). It was easy for her to take "they're empty" for an answer, though there were occasions where she'd tried. It would only last a second or two, but my mind and body immediately repelled such attempts, as though we had never nursed!

Tallu gets glimpses of the boobies-formerly-known-as-milkies, and wants to touch them. I refuse, but I tell her she can say hi. She waves to my chest and says "Hi, boobies!" Or I'll ask if she wants the boobies to give her a hug, and I'll give her an extra squeezy hug. No doubt she remembers nursing rather fondly, and I do, too. I always wondered if she was getting enough, if we were going on for too long, if she would ever stop. She was getting comfort and nourishment, it went for as long as she needed it to, and yes, she stopped nursing.

It would be so helpful to nursing mothers to receive encouragement and support for this decision. You may think that nursing a toddler who can say "I want booby" is too old. You're allowed to your opinion, but that's when you press the Interior Monologue button. You may see a mother nursing her infant on a park bench, shirt up, "shame" be damned. Babies need to eat, and they don't care that they're in the park. Keep walking, and let that mother care for her child. You'll be glad when that same baby is sleeping soundly, not wailing for dear life on the train. If your family is unfamiliar with nursing, there's no better way to introduce them to it by not hiding. My aunt, who recoiled dramatically and hilariously the first time I nursed Tallu, praised me for nursing her great-aunt/godchild for so long when I told her we were finished.

Mission accomplished!

A Pot(ty) To Piss In

2010-10-12T11:18:00.002-04:00

Sure the title is crass, but at least she's peeing more often in the potty or the toilet than on our wood floors or rugs. The last time she peed on the floor was last week, when she walked past the potty (which sits just outside the bathroom door) to pee on the floor on my side of the bed. I took it as a sign of aggression, and let her know how upset I was. It's kind of hard to be patient when one minute she's running to the potty, and in the next pouring forth a puddle on my bedroom floor. I have to remind myself, like Grover sings in "Elmo's Potty Time" that "Accidents happen, and that's okay."

Bladder control is something I take for granted, but I haven't worn a diaper in, what, twenty-eight years? It must be very difficult to move from literally peeing where you stand to a multi-step process: recognize the tingle in your bladder, contract muscles, go to the toilet, pull down underwear, sit on toilet, release. Let's not even talk about pooping...well...I'll just say that I've had to pick up Tallu and race to the potty, posterior in the air, to save myself from picking up her deuce from her bedroom floor.

Here's how I'm making the process easier on both of us. Tallu is butt naked during her waking hours, and there are two potties in the house: one in the living room (Al Bundy's dream), and the upstairs one. (When I was a kid my yellow and white potty sat just outside the bathroom door, which was great because I could "go potty" even if the bathroom was occupied.) Why butt naked? Pure laziness- I am saving myself laundry because we don't have an electric drier.

Here's how I'm making the process harder on both of us. I haven't given her real world experience. In other words, she hasn't left the house without wearing a diaper. If we're on the train and she's gotta pee, and we're twenty minutes from our destination, what am I supposed to do? I was trained to pee in the street, between the cars if we were too far away from a bathroom. (It was New York in the 80's, what can I say?) My mom told me that when I was about three I told her I had to go to the bathroom while we were out, so she took me between some cars. She was horrified when I started pooping!

I wish I had answers, but this is one of those real-world lab exercises for which no one can give me the answers. I'm not claiming my toddler to be potty-trained, as I see this will be a long process. We are working on it, one pee-pee dance at a time.

Listening and Dancing to (Live) Music is AWESOME!

2010-08-18T12:55:00.009-04:00

Tallu went to the PhillyBloco show at World Cafe Live last Saturday night. Her dad and I really wanted to see this show, as we know the band members, but hemmed and hawed about going. Going out would mean buying tickets and paying a sitter...until we saw the words "All ages show" on the flyer.... so we called our friend, who sold us tickets and generously put Tallu on the guestlist. (We would've had to buy a ticket for her, too, which still would've been cheaper than a sitter. But our friend thought it was silly for a two year old to have to pay full price. Yes, we thanked him very much!) The door staff were really sweet to Tallu, taking her ticket and giving her a blue wristband (underage), as we got our red wristbands (Caipirinhas, here we come!) No attitude, no admonishments, just "enjoy the show!"

This isn't the first time she's seen PhillyBloco perform. I think the first time she was still pretty young, but we've always had her wear her famous pink headphones, which reduce the decible levels without muting the music. We're not idiots, and her father attends OSHA trainings for work, so there's no way she could get in without those headphones.

PhillyBloco was at their best that night, but the highlight for me came after the show was over. We're milling around with the band, when a stranger approaches me to say: "She did really well! I've been in childcare for 18 years, and I am telling you, I am impressed!"

I thanked this woman for the compliment, explaining we've been taking her to class with us for almost her entire life. The lady then tells me about her five year old grandson, who loves the water, and how much she encourages his love of water. We had a great conversation, and I, of course, encouraged her to buy some headphones and bring her grandson to the next show!

Concerts, libraries, restaurants, museums...all places children "should not go." Why not? Why can't Tallu listen to good music and see people of all ages dancing together? What's wrong with my child eating escargot with her parents and grandparents for lunch? Does it disturb you that she's pointing out colors in a Bearden collage? Look, I'm not saying kids deserve to be everywhere, all the time. But if we want children to respect and appreciate art, music, good food, life as we know it, we have to be the first teachers. Go have fun, everybody!

The next PhillyBloco show is Oct. 30. We're leaving the kid home, though. Sometimes it's worth paying for a sitter :-D

Blog Drought

2010-08-12T00:05:00.004-04:00

It's been since April, huh...geez... well, how to catch you up on us?

The "What's New with Tallu" List

1- Tallu is weaned! April 19 was our last nursing.

2- Tallu is obnoxious! Well, she's two, so I don't hold it against her too much.

3- Tallu has been out of our care for a whole weekend! Her parents went to DC to celebrate the end of nursing, the beginning of our thirties, and our fifth wedding anniversary.

4- Tallu is falling asleep on her own! After the nursing was done, one of us had to lay on the floor in her room until she was asleep.

5- Tallu has been camping- three times! She likes sleeping in a tent. We bought this big tent with a "wall" (a piece of fabric that hangs and divides the tent into two 'rooms') and a "porch." When you put the up the wall, and she's asleep, it feels like she's in a different room.

6- Tallu loves the carousel- finally!

7- Tallu speaks...in full sentences! This is not a good thing when her sentences are "Leave me alone, Mommy." or "Don't tell me anything," which she said to me yesterday as I was about to tell her to pick up the toys she was throwing. Of course, it is endearing when she says to me or her daddy "You're my best friend."

8- Tallu loves dinosaurs! Most little kids do. Why is that?

9- Tallu is not potty trained! Oh well, she will be one day. That's a battle I'm not ready to fight.

10- Tallu will be an only child for a few more years! I think we're all okay with that! At least the three of us are, anyway.

I'm really sorry it's been so long. I did enjoy writing the blog, but I can only do it at night. If I had a working computer at my disposal during normal hours, I'd do this more often. (It's not like people are really reading this anyway.) It's become more of a virtual baby book, and in that spirit, I should keep at it for a little while longer.

That's Why You Don't Open Gifts at the Party

2010-04-20T22:33:00.003-04:00

It took Tallu several hours to open her gifts and cards because she wanted to play with every gift, look at every card, and try on every piece of clothing. There was not a single gift that did not pique her interest, and she was grateful and excited for each one. Our living room was a makeshift toy store for nearly a week.

We appreciate everyone who came to celebrate our daughter's second birthday, and we promise not to have such a hullaballoo next year, or the year after that! My husband explained why this party became such a big deal: I was making up for missing the baby shower and for having such a small celebration for birthday #1 (we moved to the new house around the same time). I think we will have to start preparing for take some of her little friends out to play, because hosting a do-it-yourself party is too much for for us lazy folks.

If you'd like to see a video of some of the entertainment at Tallu's birthday party, copy and paste this link to your browser

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL5KDSGd0sw

as you watch this, picture Tallu asleep with large, pink headphones on her ears, which is exactly what she did for most of the performance

Winding Down

2010-04-08T11:40:00.002-04:00

Tallu is on to us...

We're trying to wean her. Yes, I just typed "we." This is a serious team effort. Daddy has no milkies, so when it comes to bedtime, he has to take her away, and I have to be busy doing something. It isn't always a smooth transition, especially if she catches a glimpse of me. She goes down at night without the milkies, but she makes up for it on the backend. Today, she woke up at 5:30 to come into our bed for milkies. Yesterday I think it was 6 or 6:30.

I wanted this post to be a bit longer, but I can't think I'm so tired...

Divine Intervention, or How I Found A Babysitter

2010-03-18T04:32:00.005-04:00

We attend the 8 o'clock service, which is a very intimate worship. No choir, and on average there are six adults, including our rector, and rarely an acolyte. But this particular Sunday, Lisa, an acolyte, was asked to speak about stewardship at 8am. Tallu likes Autumn and Lisa, our teenaged acolytes, and she was excited to see Lisa that morning. Lisa mentioned that she had babysat children before, but I was hesitant about leaving my child with any teenager. She's a sweet high schooler, and looks how I imagine Tallu will look when she grows older.

After we exchanged the Peace of the Lord and made our offering to the Lord, the celebration of the Eucharist began. Tallu has been to church often enough to know that you go to the front of the church during this time, so she immediately went to the front rail to kneel. Before I could get her, Lisa saw where Tallu was going, followed her to the front rail, even though she was not serving as an acolyte, and knelt with my daughter.

And that's when I knew we could trust Lisa with Tallu!

Lisa did babysit two weeks later, and it went well. Lisa had fun, Tallu had fun, my husband and I had fun away from Tallu! We now have a date night babysitter, whenever we have a chance to have another date night...

You Know It's Time to Stop Breatfeeding When...

2010-03-18T03:43:00.002-04:00

your child screams "I want milkies!" during church?

your child can pull down the neckline of your shirt, pull your bra to the side and lunge at what little bit of nipple is showing, while she's standing on a chair in the kitchen, as you're stirring cookie batter?

you ask your child to stop nursing because you have to get off the bus, and she says "uhn-uhn" while she's nursing, so you now have to carry her two blocks to Capogiro (she pops off only when you ask her if she wants ice cream) ?

Today is March 18. In eleven days, Tallu will be two years old. We're still nursing. There was a time when I wasn't sure if Tallu and I could do this breast feeding thing. Now I don't know if we (rather, if she) can stop. I've talked to her about the milkies coming to an end, and she shakes her head yes, but I don't think she grasps what that means. I've told myself that once all her teeth are in, we are fucking done! Some women have said to me the minute a tooth dropped that should have been the end of it all. Sometimes Tallu can take no for an answer. But the other times... what Lula wants, Lula gets... and if she wants milkies...good Lord, just whip it out!

It's a battle of will. Who will win? Ultimately, me. But I need reinforcements...

The Visit

2010-03-18T01:54:00.007-04:00

Our two year old niece has been visiting with us since the end of February, due to circumstances very much beyond her control. She's had lots of fun with us on her first trip outside of NYC. She's seen deer. She's been sledding, snowshoeing, bike riding, skateboarding, belly dancing, tamborim playing, and tumbling, and napping. The first weekend she was here I told her we'd take lots of pictures and make a photo book about her trip to Philadelphia to show her parents. She will have many pictures to choose from for her album. I hope she'll have some fun memories to share with her parents, older brother, and anyone else who will listen to her.

Her older brother gave her some warning about her aunt and uncle: "They won't beat you or anything, but you will be tired." We had an almost three-hour standoff with him and some green beans, which he requested for dinner, then decided he didn't want them. (Oh, he ate them!) She's certainly tried our patience over these weeks, but I think we've made an impression on her. There have been no beatings, but many time-outs. I even had to put her on time-out today while we were at the play cafe. I told her in the bathroom when she caught an attitude with me that "I can find you a time-out wall anywhere." Mary Poppins has saved me on many other occasions. The best line to end a back and forth with a smart-mouthed kid? "You know best, as usual." My niece usually replies, "no," but the discussion is over. LOVE IT!

When she came to our house she was sleeping with a bottle at night, not taking naps, wearing a diaper, and angry (and I don't mean "Terrible Two's" angry). She hasn't drank from a bottle since about day two. She now naps- she cries about it, but she's usually the first asleep. She's wearing a pull-up to bed at night, and we are actively potty-training. She still has a temper, but I think I'm better at diffusing it, and it flares much less often. My niece really likes this tumbling class, in which I enrolled Tallu well before I knew her cousin would be staying with us for an entire month. She's got great balance, and not much fear for an almost three year old.

Now that we know she accepts us as authority figures, we plan to bring her down for shorter overnight visits. We love her, attitude and all, and she trusts us. But this chick is going back to Brooklyn the minute Tallu's bday party is over, you hear me? And we are not having a second child anytime soon... I am nowhere near ready to take care of children so close in age and developmental stages.

So, how's the potty training going?

2010-02-06T13:02:00.005-05:00

The storm of '10 is here, so I will divide my time between trolling Facebook and here....

Tallu likes her potty, but has made no deposits in it. She has also sat on the toilet (someone gave us a booster seat for her a while ago); no deposits there, either. I guess the good news is that she knows what the toilet and the potty are for, and she is not afraid of either one. There's no bad news, since I'm not forcing her to do anything, and she's not leaving puddles and piles on the floor.

How am I doing?

2010-01-26T22:16:00.005-05:00

I wonder if being a stay at home mother is really working. Am I doing enough with Tallulah? Would she learn more if she were in a daycare situation? How do I know if being home with me really is best? Here are random stories I wanted to share, my own little motivational speech for myself, I guess...

My friend, Andi, told a group of women about our daughters' play date Halloween night. The girls were having fun, but decided that hitting each other was part of that fun. Andi and I told our girls not to hit, we don't hurt our friends. I remembered that Tallu had learned how to give high fives. So I said to the girls, "You can't hit, but you can give each other a high five. Tallulah, let's teach Cimmy how to give high fives!" The women all said "Oooh, that's great! That's so smart!" (Thank you, Yo Gabba Gabba, for teaching my kid about high fives.)

Tallu has four teeth coming through at once, and she's on me constantly. This Sunday she and her daddy went to drumming class without me so that I could have some time off from being a teething toy. Daddy went prepared with teething gel and applied some to his uncomfortable daughter. Instead of her usual lip smacking and announcing "all done," she said: "I preciate it, thank you."

My daughter and I took a trip to NYC a few months ago. We did it the long way, from the R7, the Northeast Corridor, to the LIRR. She slept for the ride into Trenton, but I had to occupy us from Trenton to NYC. We read books for us to read, I sang songs by request, we looked out the window and talked about what we saw. A passenger was watching us and before she got off the train she told me that I was doing a great job with my daughter.

No, I'm not the greatest mom out there, and I'm sure Tallu would be a cheery, generally pleasant child even if she were in daycare. There are days when I don't think I can go on. . When strangers are impressed with the interactions I'm having with my child out in public, even on days I want to hand her to the first person I see, that's a good sign, cuz strangers are harsh critics. Hearing that your child expresses gratitude when she gets help is probably the best sign that I am not doing such a bad job.

Party Time?

2010-01-23T13:38:00.006-05:00

If you know me, you know I don't make plans. So you'll be shocked to learn that my husband and I are thinking about how to celebrate Tallu's second year on earth. We have an Excel spreadsheet (not my doing), and several ideas, none of which includes our house as an option. Her birthday is at the end of March, and we know places fill up quickly, so we have to decide this sooner rather than later.

We are considering the play cafe for children two neighborhoods away, which hosts children's parties. Other venues on the list are my parish hall, the children's museum, and our dear friend's cafe (the site of my baby shower). The play cafe is the best option: lots of space and toys for little people, we pay someone to do all the work for us, we leave the mess there when the party's over, and Tallu likes that place. The problem is the party package is costly. I'd be more willing to convince my husband to do it if the package included feeding the adults who'd be there as well.

It's not ruled out- we can certainly invite a few of her friends to play without renting it for an official party.

The pre-mother me would have said to a friend, if I'd been asked my opinion, that the kid is two. She won't remember any of this, so have a little something at home. The new mother me partly agrees, and we did that for Tallu's first birthday, which was a feat since we'd just moved into our new place so there was lots of open space. This year, however, she's an active toddler, and if we invite a few more little people to play in our house, we may as well book an ER as the venue site. Plus, her community is multi-generational. What are her older well-wishers supposed to do for fun, while the little toddlers play dress-up and run around a room with lots of wooden toys?

Another consideration is that Tallu's family and godparents live out of town. Why should they drive all the way from NJ or NYC to watch our kid play with other children? And what about my husband and me? We've helped Tallu live these past two years, we deserve a party, too. She's not old enough to tell us what she wants, so we are the decision-makers here.

The moral of this story? We want celebrate the little person who has made Tim's and my life so much richer, and share it with those who have helped us along the way. But, I don't want them all in my house. A fun, healthy, safe, and affordable balance must be sought, and will be, somehow.

*****************************

UPDATE: The parish hall it is! We get the room for a crazy price, all day long. So we can have room for the kids to play, room for the bateria to play, and room for everyone to dance!

What's New with Tallu

2010-01-22T21:41:00.003-05:00

My husband is putting Tallu to bed, and I am watching the Help Haiti telethon. I thought I'd use this time to update you on your pal.

We were hanging out in the living room when Tallu asked me to take off her 'jamas. They were heavy, so I obliged. A few minutes later she starts tugging at her onesie. I thought, um...okay...too young to be having hot flashes, but I'll let her run around in her diaper. She goes back to her toys, I go back to whatever I was doing.

Tallu stands in front of me, tugging at her diaper.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Off?" she asks me.

"What?! I just put that on you..."

The diaper's off, and she's running around the living room. I'm too stunned to laugh, so I just watch. When she starts singing "Naked butt, naked butt" as she wiggles it in my face, I reach for the camera, but I misesd recording the song and dance. Then she goes to a toy and squats on the ground. A more experienced parent would've known what that meant, but by the time I figured it out, a tiny puddle was on the floor. She marked our bedroom floor, too, before I put a new diaper on her.

Luckily the second time she took off her diaper there were no puddles, but when I called my husband on his lunch break about the first diaper strike, he said "It sounds like she's ready for potty training." When I texted my mom she said the same thing. So last night we went to buy a potty for Tallu.

I did what many new moms of the digital age do and looked on the web for potty training advice. I found a checklist here, and no, I can't check everything, but my mom, my husband, and Tallu seem to think she's ready. This afternoon I talked to Tallu about the potty, set it up in the living room, and she sat on it a few times, fully clothed and said "pee-pees."

We've got a long way to go, but I've read that that's a good start to potty training. Yay, something to write about...training my kid how to use the bathroom...

(Re)Using the Master's Tools...

2010-01-08T21:33:00.008-05:00

Happy New Year, y'all!

We travelled a lot for Christmas. There were no flight delays or cancellations for us, only driving to NJ three times, NYC, CT, and PA (to Tallu's great-grandfather's house). The good news is that almost everywhere she went she opened presents. Toys, clothes, toys, clothes... blah blah blah, but one toy was very controversial on my Facebook page.

"Controversy? On your Facebook page? Shut the fuck up!" you say. Okay, controversy may be a bit dramatic, but I wasn't expecting much discussion about it. What was my status? "Tallulah's kitchen is pretty bitchin'." Dood, the kitchen is freakin' sweet, I must say! There's a special burner that "cooks" food in the skillet or "boils" water in the coffee pot. Did your toy kitchen do that? (I didn't even HAVE a toy kitchen, so this thing already kicks ass in my book!)

People were tentatively happy for her, so long as paradigm's wouldn't be affirmed and she'll be using power tools in her kitchen. Frankly, I was disappointed that people weren't as excited about this toy as my husband and I were. "It's a fucking toy for a toddler! Can't a toy be a toy?" I asked my husband. In defense of my friends, I admit I understand the hesitation about such a toy. Here's the little girl, not even two years old, learning that women work in the kitchen. Yay, reinforcing gender roles!

Tallu's parents work in the kitchen. Tallu is in there, too, no matter which parent is working that room. She's exploring the cabinets under the microwave hutch, bringing toys and sitting in the middle of the floor, trying to look at what's on the stove. You know, being a child. Sure, this plastic representation of a kitchen can be seen as a tool for the patriarchy to engender my little girl to her lot in life. OR, this imaginary kitchen can be the lab where my daughter can learn about sharing (making food and sharing it with her toys or playmates), hygiene (washing hands, dirty dishes), and fantasy (because in reality, the sizzle in the skillet is electronic noise and lightbulbs flashing). Plus, it'll keep her out of the real kitchen, where she is now tall enough to reach for things on the stovetop, which is extremely dangerous.

Here's my promise to all of you: my child will have fun playing with her kitchen, and all her friends, boys and girls, will have fun playing with it, too. Tallu will never grow to think that her place is in the kitchen. Still, she will grow up knowing the kitchen is a fun place to be. That's a lesson my father taught me, and I'm happy to pass that on to his granddaughter.

(This is Tallu in her "Seuss suit" - Cat in the Hat pajamas - and her infant cousin's clip-on neck tie from a suit he received for Christmas.)

Discipline

2009-12-08T16:50:00.002-05:00

Anyone have good tips? She thinks the word no is funny, she runs from us when we ask her to give up what's in her mouth, or suddenly stops understanding us when we ask her to fix something (like put the books back that she threw all over the place)
I'm sure this is all normal and healthy signs of development, and I appreciate that. We don't have TV, so watching SuperNanny is not an option.

I'll tell you what we have done:
One minute timeouts
Putting toys away that she starts to throw
Reducing the number of books she has access too (so I have less books to pick up)

Thanks for your help!

Adventures in Babysitting

2009-12-08T16:28:00.006-05:00

I didn't forget to tell you all that my husband and I partied hard for Halloween, I've just been too busy to tell you. We went out with a friend of ours, Andi, who did the footwork of finding a sitter for her daughter and ours. It was a rainy Halloween night, but we didn't let that stop us from donning costumes and hitting World Cafe Live.

The phone call Daddy received just as we sat down is the one parents dread. The sitter called to say that Tallu had been crying unconsolably, and she didn't know what else to do. My initial reaction was "Oh, fuck, are we gonna have to leave?!" My second thought was "Aren't we paying you do deal with her? Work it out, lady!" Daddy gave suggestions, and a half hour later she texted to say that Tallu was not sleeping, but much more calm.

We three parents had fun, but when we got back to Andi's house after midnight, who was up, crying, tired, and refusing to sleep? Tallulah! Andi's daughter went to sleep, but Tallu wouldn't (now the poor child was up because ours was noisy). The sitter kept her calm and occupied, reading stories, playing with toys, amd generally avoiding the front door, which set our kid off.

Having said all this, the sitter was unphased by Tallulah's behavior, and complimented us on her language skills and playfulness. She said she just needs to get to know a sitter and perhaps be in her own house, and she'd be fine at night. We still have her number in our address book, just in case....

The next two times we've gone out we've let the little one with our mothers. Tallu knows and loves these ladies, and knows the houses. The sleep issue is the same. She eventually did go to sleep, but at some unholy hour. I guess the solution would be go out more often so that she knows it's okay to sleep without us...

What's New with Tallu

2009-12-02T06:25:00.003-05:00

Here is your friend at Studio 34 in West Philadelphia after her parents performed with Unidos da Filadelfia. She's not a baby anymore, as you can see. She talks, and sometimes she says things that are in English. People look to me or my husband for translation, but often we shrug our shoulders. The list of vocabulary is expanding exponentially. Her most impressive word? "Denicious" (delicious).

She walks, she runs...sometimes away when she's doing something she's not supposed to. She's got rhythm, she loves music, and was doing a pretty funky dance at Studio 34. My favorite is her shoulder shimmy dance, which I don't have any video of, yet.

Tallu is also becoming less afraid of animals. She spent Thanksgiving in a house with five cats, then went to an apartment with one Jack Russell terrier, and to a house with one small terrier mix. She's warming up to them much quicker, though we must break her of the throwing things at the animals habit. It's not malicious, but it's still not something she should do.

Hmm...what else...still nursing and eating, still teething, still peeing and pooping. Ah, yes! Memory. She is recalling people's names when they are not around, like Abu, Eli, Nathan. She also recognizes certain people in photographs. We went to my mother in law's house, and as we pulled into the driveway, Tallu pointed to the house and said "Grandmama."

I promise to post more before the end of the year. Now that I have a toddler who uses up a lot of my energy I spend my nights sleeping. Of course, it's 6:48 am, but I had to put her back in bed after a mid- night wake up. The joy and curse of the toddler bed is that she can get out of bed and walk into our room any time she wants. But I'd rather wake up to a little voice saying "henno" (hello) at the side of my bed at 3am than to wailing down the hall.

Playground Ethics

2009-10-12T02:34:00.003-04:00

Here's the scenario:
A mother walks into a playground with three children. The two older ones, around ages 6 and 8, run to play in the older play area, leaving mother and one year old in the younger play area. Mother sits on the bench and the one year old begins to whine and struggle to get out of the stroller. Mother tells the child to stop, and pushes the child back into the seat several times. Child relents, but still whines and cries.

What do you do?

This really happened today, and I'd love to see people's responses.

The 18-month check-up

2009-10-12T00:44:00.002-04:00

Daddy, Tallu, and I went to the appointment on Thursday. She's a whopping 21.3lbs, and the doctor was pleased, since this means Tallu is steadily gaining weight. Of course, Tallu knows the doctor's office and hates everything that happens to her, even getting her head measured. The nurse had to measure my head first so that Tallu could see that the tape measure was not going to hurt her. Only two shots this visit, and Daddy held her (I helped a little bit), while Doc gave the needle. Tallu's vocabulary is increasing, her mobility is great, and we don't have to go back until the office gets their allotment of the H1N1 vaccines.

Very uneventful update, which is fine for a doctor's appointment.

What's New with Tallu

2009-09-22T23:33:00.003-04:00

Tallu is officially a toddler. Her great-grandparents Hull bought her a crib that converts to a toddler bed, then a full size bed. I decided that, since she is a proficient walker, it was time to move on from the crib. It has resulted in much happier mornings for both mother and daughter. When she's up for the day, she climbs out of bed, opens her door, walks down the hall to our bedroom, and says "Hi!" She's only fallen out of bed once, just a few days ago. She has woken up in the middle of the night thanks to teething, but she really likes not sleeping behind bars.

Tallu has also figured out how to climb down the stairs alone. She climbs backwards, which is pretty safe way to descend. Now that she's in the toddler bed, the gate stays at the top of the stairs during the night. There's no light in the hallway, and I don't want her falling down the stairs. The only time the gate is down is when I am downstairs for an extended period of time, and she's downstairs with me. She is enjoying her increased mobility.

More teeth are errupting, the molars this time. First the left side, top and bottom, now the right side is starting. It still hurts.

She's also learning more body parts, and she reads to herself and her toys. Tallu is also learning to say her name, animal sounds, and PattyCake (Yeah, I know it's Pat-A-Cake, but that's how I said it as a kid, so there.) She's still wary of dogs, and she's slowly learning how to play with other children. I have to get her around other children more often...

We are starting the weaning process. Tallu is eating more, enjoying cow juice (plain and strawberry), and if we go out of the house, she nurses less. I say this, but now that she's cutting teeth, the nursing has increased a bit. What's it like nursing a teething toddler? Not as scary as some of you think, especially since she learned a while ago biting gets her nothing. Teeth are coming in new places, and I think she adjusts her pressure to alleviate her pain, which means my nipples are not as numb as they used to be. But it's nothing like in the beginning of the nursing phase.

Tallu is 18 months on the 29th. Many people have said it's time for me to stop nursing. Then again, people said that once she started cutting teeth. I'm taking a cue from my good friend in Seattle- I give her the milkies when she asks, and sometimes I will say no, like if I know she's doing it because she's hungry. I always joked that when a child can say "I want booby," it's time to stop. Now that Tallu can say "milkies" as well as sign it, AND get the milkies out of my shirt, I guess it's the beginning of the end. Besides, I am amused that she's figured out how to pull my shirt down just enough to get to the nipple, even though she hates fabric in her face...

More updates as the growing continues!

...and Obey!

2009-09-19T14:19:00.008-04:00

Last Wednesday my family went on a hike in the White Mountains with friends. It was a vertical ascent, rocky at times, but not terribly difficult. I like the outdoors, but I don't like these types of hikes. I'm more of a distance person-I don't care how beautiful the moutain peaks look from up anywhere, and I don't like climbing up, because that means I have to climb down. Anyhoo- what I really wanted to do Wednesday was sit in the main house, read a book or two, take a nap, listen to music, be alone. No child to look after, no husband to cater to, just enjoy quality time with me, something I haven't done in a long time.

I didn't say all that to my husband Wednesday morning. I said something like "I want to stay here for the day." My husband didn't think that was a good idea, and bargained with me: I could have Saturday AND Sunday to myself if I went on the hike Wednesday. Saturday was bullshit-I already had that day to go see a theater performance, and Sunday I (try to) take Tallu and myself to church, so I didn't see how that was much of a deal. What, I get my Sunday off after I take my kid to church? Then it's not a day off, see? None of that matters, really. What I wanted was to enjoy a few moments of solitude in a relaxing place, which I had right there under my feet. What I got was a rocky climb up a mountain, aching knees and feet, and a sweaty back, and plenty of time to think, since neither of us spoke to each other in the car or on the mountain unless necessary.

I could have said no, I want to stay here, and I'm staying. My husband would have been disappointed and upset, but I would have had my relaxing day. He would have still had his hike up White Mountain with people who really wanted to be there. Everybody wins.

I chose to go on the hike to make my husband happy, to keep marital accord. My husband is the sole financial provider for the family. He drove us eight hours to get to Maine, and everywhere else we went while on vacation. If he wants me to go on the hike, I thought, the least I can do is go. I had this great line I wanted to spit at my husband in the imaginary conversation I had with him in my head, something like: "You know, I'm really sorry that you don't value my time as much as I value yours." I thought it was such a zinger, until I realized that, by choosing to go, I was the one who devalued my time.

Ugh, I feel so stupid. No, I feel like I'm in my parent's house again. The household axiom was "When you pay the bills, you can do what you want." No bill paying on this end, so there goes my power. It is an awful way to feel, and I can't believe I've allowed myself to feel like this. Stupid and powerless, of my own accord. When did I become this woman?

ps- no, i didn't get saturday off. i did get to go to the show, however, so i got an hour and a half or so "to myself."

Scenes from Franklin Park 9/3/09

2009-09-04T22:38:00.007-04:00

The kid in the pink jumper is Tallu. The girl in the white shirt is J, who adopted Tallu on the playground. She watched Tallu playing for a few minutes, then decided that she would play with Tallu. Everything J did Tallu tried, or wanted to try, anyway. It was very touching to see J's generosity and Tallu's willingness to trust another person.

Imagine Tallu descending this wall...she did it twice, no three times. The third time she missed the wall completely, landing on her feet as though nothing dangerous just happened. J's father was watching and couldn't believe that 1-Tallu did the wall, and 2- I let her do it. But J was doing it, so it must be fun, right?

She's been walking for three weeks, and already she's playing on the big kid's toys. An older girl suggested that she move from the other side, which was a backless bench. Children are pretty perceptive...

New York, New York

2009-08-27T10:15:00.003-04:00

My husband and I went to my best friend from Kindergarten's wedding last Saturday in Brooklyn. It was in an old church with no A/C, vaulted ceilings, and stained glass windows. My friend and her husband, looking very much in love, wrote their own vows, and wore white. Her youngest brother is my mother's godchild, and I cried when he walked down the aisle as a groomsman. I haven't seen him since he was a boy! Immediately after the service I ran into my friend and had a chance to meet her husband, who is a gentleman! I had a chance to reunite with her mom, dad, and older brother and sister. It was an enjoyable afternoon, complete with roti, The Dollar Wine, and The Electric Slide.

Tallu had fun, too, though not at the church. She stayed in Long Island City with her godparents- her dad's best friends from high school and their ladies. Tallu swam in the pool, ate lots of food (including chicken nuggets and fries), and had the constant doting of her four godparents, and a Jack Russell terrier who let her stay in his house.

We expected Tallu to be asleep when we picked her up around 9:30, but when I arrived at the apartment, she was chomping on some nuggets. I chatted with the adults for a while, then decided to take her to my grandparents' home (my mom lives there with my grandma and aunt), so she'd fall asleep. She fell asleep in the car, but woke up when Daddy tried to lay her down. Luckily for us, our six year old nephew was there with my mom. Tallu was delighted to have someone else to play with, and Daddy and Moddy tiptoed out while the cousins played (at 10:30 pm!)

Our evening of child-free fun continued in LIC, hanging on the balcony, looking towards Midtown, listening to a story of our friends' three week cross-country honeymoon, breathing the air, and not hearing so much as a whimper from a baby. We concluded the evening with a run to White Castle, returning to my grandmother's at 3 am! My mom said Tallu finally gave in to sleep at 12:30, with my nephew close behind.

Tim and I were so glad to have the afternoon together, glad to have Tallu bond with her godparents. They, in turn, loved having her to themselves. My mom, aunt, and grandma were thrilled to see Tallu walking, and my husband and I enjoyed seeing our nephew and his mohawk!
For a moment I really missed New York. I wish we lived closer to those ties, for ourselves and for Tallu. We have established ourselves elsewhere, however, and we will have to make new ties, form new alliances, so that we can have that same safety net where we are now, which we are doing, it's just that i don't feel guilty asking my mom and Tallu's godparents to care for her in our stead.

About last night

2009-08-20T17:49:00.003-04:00

I gave Tallu a bath last night with no problem. She wouldn't let me put her diaper on for a half an hour. She's yelling, screaming, turning, shuffling her naked booty across the bed, laughing at me the whole time. I'm exhausted, she's exhausted (had a 15 minute nap), the fight continues. I'm reasoning with her, but all the while my blood pressure is rising. She was dangerously close to the edge of the bed, and I told her more than once that I was going to let her fall. The problem here is that we're house-sitting and the bed we're sleeping in is a good three feet off the ground. I let her fall, I'm going to jail. Thank God she moved herself away from the edge every time, because in those moments I really don't know that I would've tried to stop her from falling.

I did call for help, but my husband, exhausted from a long's day at a hot work site, was asleep downstairs. I stopped fighting, and let her crawl around, to give myself time to calm down. Her lower back was red and she kept scratching it, which may be why she wouldn't lay down for the diaper change. I slapped some anti-itch balm on her, put the diaper on standing up, and we came downstairs, like nothing ever happened.

When I get that frustrated with my child I try to remind myself that she's a baby, and she's not old enough to piss me off on purpose. I chose to have her, and even if I have no patience left for her, I'd damn well better find some. It would've been great to have been given a break at that moment, but there are millions of parents who don't get a break in that moment, yet still they keep their wits about them. I thank God every day that I've been able to do what's best for her in those moments of distress, and I pray that I never take my frustration out on any of my children, 0r anyone else's.

She walks alone

2009-08-17T10:42:00.005-04:00

This video was taken around 7 am, before we went to church Sunday morning.

This clip is after church, at Tallulah's grandparents' home. I tried to catch her hitting herself in the head with the plastic bottle, but caught something equally amusing.

What's New with Tallu

2009-08-07T13:32:00.004-04:00

Here's a list of what Tallu's doing these days:

Walking- she'll hold your hand to walk, she doesn't trust herself yet (even though her uncle caught her walking by herself on camera while the family was hanging out at the pool at our Hilton Head vacation home. We think she was so distracted she had no clue that she was walking.)

Talking- she says no, thank you, please, water, pah (that means "up"), daddy, daggy (that means "doggy"), moddy (that means "mommy"), down, cup, juice, hi train, bye train (the regional rail passes our house), hi, bye, wow, plus the usual baby gibberish (in which we grown-ups with children are supposed to be fluent).

Eating- still nursing, but also doing better with eating solid foods. She likes guacamole, waffles, pancakes, beans, rice, blueberries, bananas, hummus, french fries, chicken nuggets, and whatever is on daddy and maddy's plates.

Pool time- she enjoys being in the water and is not afraid, which is a good thing.

Comprehending and responding to English- i am amazed at how much she understands me. If I tell her to go to Mommy and Daddy's room, she goes. If I ask her to give her Daddy a goodnight kiss, he gets one. If I ask: "Did you make poopies?" she grunts.

Teething- the saga continues...working on teeth numbers 8 and 9.

Dog Familiarity/Similarity-she is much less afraid of dogs. She is still very frightened of the vacuum cleaner, to the point where she starts whining if she even sees it.

Body Familiarity- she knows where her eyes, nose, and mouth are. She blinks her eyes when she says eye. We are working on the ears next.

That's all I can think of for now... ah...the pic is from our time in Richmond, VA at the Capt. John Smith Park. It was our break from the 12+hr drive from Hilton Head, SC home. Great park- if you find yourself in Richmond, take a trip to the waterfront, and cross that ghastly footbridge, which runs beneath an interstate overpass.

Vacation Haiku

2009-07-06T15:46:00.004-04:00

What is vacation?
A new place to do the same
No rest for mommy

***********
I'd love for someone to sned me away to a spa for 48 hours after I wean Tallu. Alone. Nowhere far- I hate flying. Oh, gotta go, the kid is up from nap. I'm back on duty.

Vacation?

2009-07-06T14:54:00.004-04:00

I am sitting in my grandparents' house, exhausted from a long weekend in Gloucester, MA, where Tallulah decided to take a vacation from sleeping through the night. Thursday and Friday nights she woke up around 2, and since we were all sharing a room, I put her in bed with us and nursed her back to sleep. Saturday night was...ugh...

Tallu woke up at 2:30 am Sunday morming and decided that everyone should be awake. Dad and I tag teamed her: nursing, rocking, nursing, rocking, sippy cup of warmed milk, toys on the floor; all ineffective. She screamed, she cried, she giggled, she wiggled, but she did not sleep. We were in a house with eight other people and one six month old baby. We gave in at 5 am and drove her past Rockport and she fell asleep on the way home, and on the way to the bedroom. It was an invigorating nap; she jumped up and was revving to play.

My husband was driving us home in a few hours, so for his sleep to be interrupted was dangerous for all. We did manage to return to sleep- at 6:30 Sunday morning, after driving and cathcing a glimpse of sunrise. We would have preferred to miss it.

Worst. Appointment. Ever.

2009-07-03T14:48:00.008-04:00

Let's rewind to Tallu's last visit. Her doctor warned me that at around 15 months there is a developmental shift. Babies stop tolerating what was once commonplace. She said appointments would be pretty difficult after this, and I was to never come alone to another visit. I told this to my husband, but Tuesday night my husband started talking about some meeting he had for work the next day. I don't live near any family, and my friends who live nearby have jobs or children of their own, so not much help there.

I took Tallu to her 15-month appointment on Wednesday. We arrived at 9:10 am for a 10:30 am appointment (I thought the appointment was at 9:30), but it was easy enough to return home (we now live four long blocks away). The receptionist and I had a good laugh at my vague memory.

The fun ends there.

Everything was as Dr. M said. Tallu yanked the measuring tape from around her head. She crawled away when I laid her down to measure her length. Surprisingly, she did sit for her weigh-in, but that's because she had to sit on the scale. But she did the chicken dance when the nurse took her temperature (thermometer went in the armpit).

Then the doc came in for the chat and statistical analysis. Good news is Tallu is growing. Bad news is Tallu gained a whopping ONE pound as of the last visit, bringing her to 18 lbs. Tallu is not much for eating, but she'll milk me until I pass out. The doc told me to introduce her to whole milk, and combing carbs and fats (bread and butter, crackers and cream cheese). Her brain needs fat for proper development. She certainly looks healthy, but in a diaper she reminds me of a "starving ethernopian," as the South Park boys would say.

Now that I'm feeling like a maternal fuck-up, we have to get down to business: vaccinations. Tallu received two shots. The first one Dr. M administered as I held Tallu in my arms. Dr. M put the needle in Tallu's thigh and injected the vaccine. Tallu screamed, wrapped her little hand around the needle, and pulled it from her thigh.

I'll give you time to re-read that...

Dr. M was afraid Tallu had stuck her hand as she removed the needle. I was afraid she didn't get the vaccine and we'd have to do this shit again. Thank God, neither scenario played out, but Tallu gave herself a two inch scratch with the needle. There was another shot to go, so we tried a new tactic: I held Tallu's arms, while Dr. M injected Tallu in the other thigh. That worked, but the damage to my psyche (and I'm sure my kid's psyche) was done. I left the appointment embarrassed, dejected, and enraged.

Embarrassed because I did exactly what the doctor told me not to do, and my child was completely uncooperative. Dejected because I can't figure out how to get my kid to eat- Lord knows I try three to five times every day. Enraged because my child hurt herself and it was all my fault. I was cursing my husband in my mind the whole walk home, but I recognized that I couldn't be angry at him for leaving me to go to the appointment alone. He has a real job, and can't take a few hours off to accompany me to every appointment. I was pissed at myself for being incapable of controlling my kid and keeping her safe, which is my job.

Her next appointment is in October, and it is essential that I find someone to help me with her next time. Who will be able to help me, I don't know. I also have to figure out how to improve her appetite, lest the doctor call the authorities on me.

Hard Knocks

2009-05-26T23:37:00.002-04:00

Tallu celebrated Memorial Day by getting a busted lip.

We were at our friends' home for their bbq Monday. Their son and Tallu were playing in the kitchen, where a shiny balloon was on the floor. Tallu wanted the balloon, but her little friend, who is seven months older than her, didn't want her to have it. So, he kicked it out of her way. Unfortunately, Tallu was diving head-first for the balloon as it moved from under her, and she ate the floor. There was blood, there were tears, Daddy cleaned her up. I felt bad for letting her hit the floor, but I caught everything at the last second. (At least I saw her fall, and I saw why she was bleeding.) Yes, she did go back and play with her little friend a few minutes later, and we did stay for hot dogs. We had another party to attend, and by the time we got to that one, Tallu's top lip was swollen.

Tallu played with her cousins from Wisconsin and NJ Memorial Day weekend, too. Her cousins are 3, 2, and 18 months. None of them drew blood. I can hear my husband now: "You should let this go. Children get hurt playing all the time." I'm trying very hard to let it go...

In other, happier news, Tallu had her first bike ride this weekend. Her dad bought a bike seat that sits in front of the adult. I stayed home while they biked around the neighborhood. He said she had a great time. I worried the whole time they were gone, but I had to remind myself that Tallu's dad can be trusted to keep her safe :-) They both wore helmets, he obeyed all the traffic laws. They both came home in one piece.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T09:55:00.002-04:00

I figured since I have some time before church I'd say a generic, blanket Happy Mother's Day to all you maternal-type peoples out there! Tallulah is gated off in the parental bedroom, while I am down the hall typing. She's actually sitting at the gate playing with some junk mail. Shows you what an attentive parent I really am, huh...

Anyhoo, your little friend Tallu is growing up. She's using the walls, chairs, and adults to stand up and walk around. She's not taking steps without assistance, but that's fine with me. She's also loving her sippy cup and watered down juice, and eating anything that's on someone else's plate.

Tallu also does not lay still for diaper changes anymore or much else. Her pediatrician said at her last visit that I am no longer allowed to come to any doctor's appointments alone (Tallu's too fussy, which is exactly where she should be developmentally). We got her ears pierced two weeks ago, and she fights to let me clean her ears. It's very frustrating.

With that having been said, pretty much everywhere we go, I am complimented on Tallulah's even temperment and well-behaved-ness. (It's Mother's Day, let me make up words, okay?) A woman said to me "Whenever I see a well-behaved child I always compliment the parent because that is her hard-work coming through."

Church is in an hour, gotta get both of us ready to go. Peace of the Lord be with you.
I'm out :-)

How very inappropriate, thank you

2009-05-09T17:11:00.003-04:00

I'm on a writing roll, since my husband has taken the reins of watching Tallu, and since I will be blogging for an upcoming arts festival. I've gotta get in the habit of writing more often, so you all get the benefit of me posting three times in one day. You also get the benefit of my political incorrectness, as I have spent the last week watching the original Bad News Bears, Richard Pryor Live, and simply being Samuel Green's daughter.

***************

This picture is of Tallu and her dad on a tractor at his grandparent's house, which is a 12 acre farm. It hasn't been a farm in many years, but it's in the process of becoming one again. When I saw her on the tractor this memory came to mind.

My maternal great-great grandfather was white (so miscegenation seems to run in the genes...)

My dad loved to kid my mom about my grandmother and her siblings working on her white grandfather's plantation. Dad would cackle every time he said this, and he said it a lot, and I would giggle to myself (more because my dad's laugh was contaigious, not because I wanted to laugh at my grandma, plus the mental image was funny.) As my husband put Tallu on his lap, I could her Dad cackling in my ear. I smiled to myself and thought, oh lord, this poor child is gonna be running through these fields picking weeds and shit like gramma!

***************

I ran into an acquaintance, Gil, just outside the supermarket yesterday. A woman walks past us, but stops when she sees Tallu in the stroller. The lady looks down at Tallu, then to me and says: "Is that your baby?"

"Yes," I respond.

"She's mixed, isn't she," stranger accuses. I affirm my daughter's mixed-ness. Madame Clairvoyant continues, "Her father's white, isn't he?" "Yes, he is." Conversation over. Lady walks on to the supermarket. I looked down at Tallu and said, "Sorry, kid, for the rest of your life people are going to be asking you that question."

Gil was taken aback, and asked me if that happened often, and if it bothered me when it happens. I said it doesn't happen often, and that it doesn't bother me, because her father is, in fact, white. I said to him: "Hell, I know who her father is. We're married, in a loving relationship. It's cool."

When I related this story to friends (both of whom are white) at dinner that same evening, they asked if that happened often, and I had to admit it doesn't. What does happen is people- black people- will stare at Tallu, then look at me, then stare at Tallu. That pisses me off more than the question. What I want to say is "Don't stare at my child. You got something to say, speak up, punk. Otherwise, move the fuck on, cuz we ain't bothering yo stank ass! Don't be mad cuz we're both cuter than you!" But I don't want to infuse Tallu with that chip-on-the-shoulder attitude. So I just make direct eye contact with the starer, blank-faced.

I have not been asked if she's mine, or how long I've been a nanny, as my friends said their friend was asked about her child. A stranger even asked the mother if she was sure she was the child's mother! (I'm still waiting for that question to come up. I should start carrying around the picture of Tallu's placenta on the hospital tray, just in case someone does ask for proof.) Then the husband said: "It's 2009. Seriously. Are we still having this conversation?"

Yes. Yes, we are.

Cruising for Moms

2009-05-09T16:39:00.002-04:00

Tallu and I were walking down Germantown Ave a few weeks ago when we ran into a mom and daughter who looked around our ages. The mom (I'll call her Lana) and I exchanged pleasantries, gushed about how cute our daughters are. The next words from Lana's mouth stopped me:

"So, do you wanna get together sometime, to talk and for the girls to play?"

My head was spinning between the heat and this being the longest conversation I'd had with another human being all day, and I heard myself saying "YES!" The next thing I knew we were exchanging cell phone numbers. We spent a good portion of the afternoon together at the lawn next to our local library, where another mother and her two older children stopped to play. Lana struck up a conversation with Jill, while I sat back, ate my banana, and watched Tallu crawl on the grass. I didn't join their conversation, because I was tired of networking- collecting one stranger's phone number was enough for one day.

I did see Jill at the free day of play at that cafe. I said nothing because I was there to play with Tallu, not pick up moms. A week later I saw Jill at Mt. Airy Day- we were in the same food line- and we acknowledged each other, introduced ourselves, and said we'd hope to see each other again soon. Meanwhile, after much phone tag, Lana and I did meet up yesterday. We had a great time, our daughters had fun playing with each other, and I've invited them to join Tallu and I at the zoo and the Please Touch Museum.

So, what's the difference between Lana and Jill? Here's the ugly truth. Lana is a young, newly-married biracial woman, staying at home with her 19-month old. Jill is homeschooling her children, and is an older, white mom. I came a conclusion that I would have more in common with Lana than Jill based on visuals. Is that fair? No, it's not. But that's what I did.

Women of all across the spectrum need a community that reflects them. That day I decided I needed to reflect the melanin. Frankly, I do have a diverse community of young mothers I can call on, and meeting Lana and Jill reminded me: I don't need to cruise the streets for young moms. I have them in my cell phone, on Facebook, in Philly, in NY, in Seattle. I just need to reach out to them more often.

Free is a four letter word

2009-05-02T08:14:00.005-04:00

There's a place in NW Philly where parents can bring their children to play, as the grown-ups have coffee, read the news, and update their Facebook status. The new location opened yesterday and it was free to the public, so Tallu and I went to have fun.

It's a great concept- one open room, tons of wooden toys and oversized plush animals, a cafe with healthy snacks for big and small, plus coffee for the big. I took off Tallu's shoes, found a spot in the room that was not swarming with kids, and set her down. I was not far behind her, because she is 13 months. I kept wondering if I was being a little overprotective. She was free to roam, but I was there to swoop in if she was in harm's way. Like when one kid nearly ran over her little fingers with a push toy. Or when she started crawling in the midst of women who were drinking coffee near their children. Fortunately when the food ran out, the crowd started to thin. I don't think I'll be attending anymore free indoor events for children with Tallu, not until she can be the child on the pushing end of the toy.

Public Service Announcement

2009-04-29T11:33:00.003-04:00

Suicide threats are always to be taken seriously. If a mother threatens to kill herself and her children, and you can get to her, please go to her. Call 911 once you've arrived. Thank you.

Recap of the last 26 days

2009-04-13T23:34:00.002-04:00

Howdy, y'all!
I am writing from a new location. We have moved two miles away into our new home. No more apartment! We have no upstairs or downstairs neighbors, no lackluster landlords, no overcrowded parking lot and overflowing garbage area! The three of us are exhausted, but my husband is most overworked. God bless him, he's done so much these past few weeks: sanding and sealing floors, packing and unpacking at all hours of the night, painting, working a paying job. I've been helping where I can, as have friends and family. Tallulah has been a typical baby, adaptable yet unflexible.

Tallu had her one year follow-up at CHOP just before her first birthday. She was not as cooperative for the X-Ray, but Dr. Flynn was very pleased with her hip and told us he'll see her in a year. The staff was thrilled to see their little baby, and couldn't believe how she's grown. They were upset that the next time Tallulah comes in she will be a walking, talking little girl!

We celebrated Tallulah's first birthday in our new home. She and I made it to the party! It was a very low-key celebration, given that we were still in the midst of moving into the new house. Her godfathers and aunts from NYC came to celebrate, as did three of her five grandparents, her cafe family, and her NE Philly friends, and her daddy's drumming buddies, and a sweet-tempered dog!

The next day was the pediatrician's appointment. More shots- the last prevnar, the first mmr (measles-mumps-rubella), and chicken pox. I have to fatten her up a bit, so we're letting her eat real food. Her ear was looking off, so the doctor prescribed amoxicillin. We were concerned that she may be allergic, but the doctor said Tallu had to prove she was allergic. Six days later, Tallu had a rash all over. She was never uncomfortable or itchy. We went back to the doctor and, since her ear looked better anyway, the doctor said we could stop giving her the medicine. The rash is gone, and I think we can consider her allergic.

Besides this, Tallu is adjusting to her new home. She's crawling, pulling herself up to stand, and taking steps around tables, etc. She loves the Muppets, is afraid of dogs, and likes the playground.

Consider youself filled in on the goings-on with Tallu :-)

Next time, I'm bringing my ear plugs

2009-03-18T02:17:00.003-04:00

We are moving to our first home at the end of this month. I was going to type 'our new home', but I can't say that, after having scrubbed decades of dirt from the living room walls. This job was made more tedious and frustrating by my lovely daughter, who howled like a banshee for most of the time.

I tend to her needs- feed her, change diapers, dance around for a few minutes. She'll calm down, then I explain that I have to get back to work. I set her down in the playpen with some familiar toys. Her butt barely hits the bottom before she's pulling herself up and wailing. The next time I go work at the house, I will get some video of the histrionics and post. It's unbelieveable. Actually, it's plain fucking ridiculous.

All she wants to do is move around the house. I'd would love to let her, but the paint is chipping, and we're positive it's lead paint. Until we put new paint on the walls we can't let her crawl around the house. I know she doesn't understand why she has to be confined. I realize she doesn't know how obnoxious hearing her cry for hours is. I do understand the frustration; I'm annoyed, but I'm not an asshole. I just want her to shut the fuck up...

Okay, now I'm an asshole!

What to do?

2009-03-15T15:05:00.002-04:00

Are there any stay-at-home moms reading this blog? If you're out there, I need some suggestions on what to do with my soon-to-be one year old during the day. Free things to do with Tallu :-) Thanks!

Baby on the grow

2009-03-07T02:40:00.003-05:00

Tallulah is enjoying the freedom of mobility now that she's crawling. The crawling has reduced Tallulah's frustration with me leaving her in the dining room while I work in the kitchen. It has also allayed my fears that 1) she would never crawl, and 2) that the hip dysplasia was the cause of her not crawling yet. My mom witnessed the crawling tonight, which she loved.

Milady also loves sitting up when it's time to lay down for a diaper change. This has increased my frustration with her because diapering has suddenly become a battle of will. In order for her to sit up, she must turn from her back to her stomach, stretch her legs into a split, then push herself up with her arms. It's great technique. I just wish she wouldn't practice it while I'm trying to change her diaper. Mom opted not to witness the diaper change, but she got a good laugh about it as I explained what my husband was probably going through at that moment.

I'm teaching Tallu to branch out in the communication department. I can't stand the crying or whining, so I told her that when she wants to be picked up or taken out of a toy to raise her arms and say "Up." I also told her that she doesn't have to cry when she wakes up in the morning. I showed her the monitor, which sits atop her crib. "When you wake up in the morning, just call me," I said. "Say 'Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom', and I'll come to you." She's doing pretty well with the arm-raising, and we will keep working on the verbal.

Tallu can now clap her hands. She does it when you say "yay" or "clap." She also gives kisses. My favorite are the ones I don't have to ask for, and the ones that don't end with my cheek between the little ivory razors in her mouth. They're pretty wet, but I still love them. It makes me think she actually likes me!

The biting is a bit less, now that teeth numbers 5 and 6 are erupting. I still have to give the firm "no biting," and end the feeding, but not as much as a week or two ago. I'm beginning to get the question about when I'm going to end the breastfeeding. A friend reminds me that her two children stopped shortly after they turned 1. My mom suggested I start two nights ago when I mentioned a quick bite Tallu took that day.

It's easy to answer my mom - I told my mom that what Tallu needs to learn is that if she wants milk she cannot bite me. I have no reply for my friend, however. Maybe that's the best answer, because I really don't know when Tallu and I will decide to end nursing. She's healthy thanks to the milk I provide for her. Hell, she's even clapped during a few nursings. How can I stop now?

Mommy Abuse?

2009-02-20T01:33:00.004-05:00

Tallulah bit my leg so hard on Tuesday morning she broke the skin. I now have two little puncture wounds to the left of my knee cap. I reported her to the local authorities. An officer came to take a report, but took one look at Tallulah and refused to believe someone so adorable could commit such a heinous act. The officer then asked Tallulah if she wanted to press charges against me for making a false statement. Tallulah shook her head no (one of many new tricks she's learning), smiled and waved bye to the officer. Then she scratched my neck as a warning.

I was nursing her before her nap on the same day. My nephew (who is visiting us from NYC for the week) sat by me on the couch, and brushed Tallulah's head. Five seconds later she realized what happened and started crying. She bit my nipple, turned and bit my arm. When I moved her to my shoulder, she bit that, too. My nephew woke her, but I get attacked? That's bullshit!

I quit my job to care for her. I used to get up in the middle of the night to feed her. I even suck the snot out of her little nose to clear it, because she refuses to let me use the aspirator on her. And this is the thanks I get? I'm on edge, I tell ya. I never know when she's gonna strike, and it's so distressing. I really do feel like I'm being abused. I know she's just a baby, but I can't help but feel like she's doing this on purpose. How do I stop the biting?

Can't Sleep? Post on the blog!

2009-02-13T01:14:00.004-05:00

It's 1:13 am. I am exhausted, but I feel like I should post an entry. Tallu's cutting another tooth on the top row. The top two aren't completely down and she's starting with another one! I've given up on the teething tablets, mainly because I like the extended relief of ibuprofen. I feel badly that she's suffering, but I'm so glad she will have no recollection of this experience.
The good news is Tallu's making good use of her teeth. Wednesday she bit my nipple, my bottom lip, my cheek, and my left shoulder. I'm becoming more observant during her nursing sessions, watching to see when she's finished eating so that I don't become her chew toy. Baby teeth are like jagged razors, and the jaw strength is superhuman. This will sound crazy, but I think I'm afraid of her!

More good news is that she's eating solid foods, and she's less messy about it. We've added yogurt to the menu. The consistency took some getting used to, but Tallu definitely likes it! I get a whole milk yogurt. Last week's flavors were blueberry and apple, and tonight she ate pear. The serving size is one container, but she never eats a whole one. I'm trying not to feed her too much yogurt at dinner, because I want her to have her warm milk before bed. I'm frightened of Razormouth, but I'm still required to nourish her. A friend asked if I was still planning to nurse her for a year. I have a month and a half to go (can you believe it?), so I don't want to quit now. I'm not sure how long I want to go after that. I'm glad that she's better with solid foods, though I must admit the only time I give her a meal is dinner, some Cheerios if she gets whiny between nursings, or Zwieback toast, or some prunes.

Lastly, when it comes to food, the girl knows what she doesn't want. I handed her a prune today. She threw it on the ground. So we walked to the kitchen, and I grabbed the box of Zwieback. Tallu and I reached into the box at the same time. She ate her toast, and I ate her prune.

It's 2:11 am. Wake-up time has been about 6:45 the past two mornings, so I should get to sleep.

A Fair Trade

2009-02-06T17:37:00.002-05:00

We've been looking for a house for about a year. Shortly after New Year's we looked at a house in the East Mount Airy section of Philadelphia. It was everything we wanted: a fixer-up that's not in condemnable shape, close to public transportation and near the downtown area we like, and affordable. We knew we'd be foolish to let this house go to someone else, so we put in an offer, cheesy note about how much we loved the place included. That was on a Monday.

On Tuesday our realtor called to say the other party's realtor wanted to know if we were amending our offer. This house was at the high end of our range, and to amend our offer was pushing us to the max. Then Tim asked me the following question: "If I put in a higher offer, would you be willing to go back to work for us to afford this?"

I've been an apartment dweller my whole life, and no my parents didn't own the one where I lived as a child. I love being home with Tallu overall, and wouldn't trade this time for anything. But I'm so tired of dealing with landlords, of the impermance of apartment living. I'd love for Tallu to live in a house, with stairs, and a dog, and a backyard. So I thought for a moment and said, "Yes." We amended our offer, and hoped for the best.

That night the realtor called to say congratulations! We've done the home inspection, been approved for a mortgage, and the closing is February 26. My husband can't swing a mortgage on top of our other bills alone. I've enjoyed being at home with Tallu, but part of being a good parent is doing what's best for your family. My going back to a job that pays is what's best for all of us right now.

Mobility

2009-02-05T22:44:00.002-05:00

Tallu is becoming a bit more independent. She has figured out how to sit up from laying down, she crawls backwards, and she scoots on her butt to move forward. Tallu is also very flexible, like most babies, and will stretch her little arm and fingers to get what she needs if she doesn't feel like scooting to what she wants. I'd like to thank our living room for the sudden burst of mobility. I moved back the futon and coffee table, creating more floor space. There is no carpet in there, so I laid out some blankets. Tallu travels all over the living room, and I purposely stay on the furniture as much as I can. This way she has plenty of room to move, and I don't get tempted to reposition her or push a toy back when it rolls just out of reach. Plus it cuts back on biting- if the boobs are on the other side of the room, there's no temptation to have a nip, and then a chomp.

I did not look up the crawling business, thanks to motherly wisdom. Why upset myself, right? Tallu will do what she needs to do when she's ready, like she did with sleeping in the crib.

Words of Wisdom

2009-02-05T22:40:00.002-05:00

Last night, after putting Tallu to bed, my husband returned to the bedroom with an epiphany: "Fuck that cry it out shit!"

Most eloquent. And true.

Update on Tallu

2009-01-30T01:30:00.002-05:00

Tallu is ten months old. She's stopped biting during nursing, and is still sleeping through the night in her crib. I no longer have to climb into the crib to nurse her to sleep. Tallu is still not crawling, but I discovered yesterday that she can skoot herself on her butt to move around. She loves Cheerios, cherries, sweet potatoes, and prunes, but is not interested in drinking anything other than milk. The doctor says her iron levels are a bit low, so I have to give her the liquid vitamins in her food.

Speaking of food, Tallu has decided that she wants what's on our plates now, not that wussy Cream of Rice cereal! She snatched a chocolate chip cookie from me a few days ago. Last night I fed her some of my pizza (caramelized onion and apple, with mozzarella, no sauce). She paid for that this afternoon, starting around 2pm, and I learned a valuable lesson: Tallu and pizza are a bad combination. I'm sure the BM was painful, what with the screaming and straining, and I felt so bad that I'd caused it. But I was a good cheerleader, telling her to let that poopy out, and that she was such a big girl to go through this awful thing, but that she would have such a good nap afterwards, which she did. I nursed her for about two hours, and gave her a few droppers worth of water, massaged her back and her thighs. She woke up at 7:30pm much happier than when she fell asleep around 4pm.
(I saved the diaper for my husband to see- it was solid and dense, not what you want from a ten month old. He asked if I was going to take a picture of it. I declined)

Although she's not crawling, Tallu is standing and pulling herself to stand. A co-worker of my husband says I can't let her skip crawling, as there is critical mental development that occurs when babies learn to crawl. I have to look that up. She's working on sitting up by herself. I don't know what milestones are when, frankly. I'd also like her to work on waking up a little happier, but for now, I am grateful she sleeps in her crib for the whole night. At least I have some time alone. Unfortunately it's in the middle of the night, time I'm supposed to use for sleeping.

Back in the crib

2009-01-15T00:01:00.002-05:00

I looked at Tallu's mouth today. It looks like her two top front teeth may be errupting, which would explain her middle of the night wake-up. I gave her medicine and she's asleep in her crib. She did have some trouble getting to sleep, but thank God it was nothing like last night. I wish I could say I'm going to bed too, but I'm listening to the monitor and watching TV, just in case she freaks out again

Happy New Year

2009-01-14T00:02:00.002-05:00

I've waited seven days to write this post, for fear that if I wrote too soon I would jinx it.

Tallulah is asleep. In her crib. Since 9pm.

She started doing this last Monday. Last Saturday she woke up in our bed at 4am. I tried putting her back to sleep for almost two hours, and finally gave up and put her in her room to play. That didn't work, but I went on strike, so her father had to tend to her. Her dressed her and they went out for a drive. She slept for twenty minutes. When I woke up at around 11 am, Tallu was still awake, giggling and playing. Sunday was the last night she slept in the family bed.

I was going to write that she's been sleeping through the night, but now she's up and crying. Her father is now walking her up and down the hallway to put her back to sleep. So, until tonight, she was sleeping through the night.

How do I get her down for the night? Here's the routine. Tallu has dinner- some solid food. She plays and, depending on how dirty she is, takes a bath. I plug in her humidifier, turn on her rainforest nightlight and put her in the crib. She starts to cry. I climb in the crib and nurse her. (Yes, I CLIMB into the crib!) She falls asleep, I climb out of the crib.

My mom laughed when I told her that I have to climb into the crib with Tallu. She asked if the crib was strong enough to hold the both of us. Yes, the crib is sturdy enough to hold the both of us. I'm not sleeping there for the night. I figure there are plenty of babies who have that last bottle of the night in the crib, so why can't Tallu have her last booby of the night i n the crib?

The baby monitor is a horrible invention. I was up for hours listening to it, making sure no one had broken into our house and was chillin in her room, or making sure the whimpers didn't turn into full on crying. The good news is that no one has broken into her room. The better news is that I am not waking up in the middle of the night needing to nurse, so we've managed to night-wean. So, Tallulah is starting to eat solids, she's sleeping in her crib, and the all-night buffet is closed. I think my husband is very happy to not have his face kicked in the middle of the night, and to have his half of the bed again. I am trying to get used to having my half of the bed to myself.

Tallu's crying an awful lot. I guess the stroll didnt work. So much for this post...

So I'm thinking...

2008-12-23T01:04:00.003-05:00

...that I may have made a mistake. The baby's not the mistake, I just got the timing wrong. And I was a fool to think being a stay at home mom was the best thing for the both of us.

It could be the exhaustion talking, the over-exposure of stay-at-home motherhood. It's 3:30pm on Sunday, and I'm hiding in my bedroom, while Tallu and her father hang out. I'm hungry, but I don't want to go into the kitchen, because I'm afraid that she'll see me and want me to come to her. Yes, I am hiding from a nine month old!

This week has been especially hard. Tallu has bitten my teets more times than I'd like to count. She's teething- her top two are coming down. But why does she have to bite me? What did I ever do to her?! She won't take a pacifier to chew. I say no when she bites, and I've even stopped a feeding if she bites me. It's not working. I guess this is the point where all the ladies chime in: "It's time to wean, because it's only going to get worse!"

I need to get away from the baby, I need to get some income, and I need to do this now. Have I said this before?

Baking and (Teething) Babies Don't Mix

2008-12-19T00:15:00.004-05:00

The best piece of advice my dad gave me in the kitchen was to be patient when you bake. I forgot that when I tried to make lemon drops for a church function last week. I wasn't at peace when I creamed the butter for these sugar cookies. The cookies spread way too much, and the dough was unsalvageable for cookies. I ended up bringing store bought cookies to church this past Sunday.

But the overcreamed dough was still sitting in my fridge until yesterday. My first fix were aluminum foil circles I fashioned, to keep the dough from spreading. It didn't work as well as I hoped. The mini-muffin pan I found in my pantry worked much better. When I upped the baking time by four minutes, my lemon muffkies were baked. It was a pretty good solution, and I didn't have to throw any of that cookie dough-turned-batter away.

Fast forward to yesterday...I am in the kitchen, again with the cookies. This time I'm making a test batch for the Christmas gifts my husband and I give each year. Talllu's two bottom front teeth are in, but she must be working on some more teeth. She's gnawing on toys, screaming, and crying, while I'm underworking the mixer. I'm growling at the mixer, asking it and the kitchen itself why my daughter refuses to let me get any work done in here? I let her cry a little, yelling: "I'm coming, I'm coming, just let me get the sugar in, okay?" I fling myself from the kitchen and swoop down to rescue Tallu from the playpen. She goes from "wah wah wah" to "ha ha ha" in five seconds. We hug, and I bring her chair and some toys into the kitchen, hoping this change in scenery would satisfy her.

I manage to beat in the egg, baking powder, salt, and baking soda before she starts screaming again. I push through to mixing in the flour, as I'm calling the recipients of these cookies all kinds of bitches and motherfuckers, I realize I needed to step away from the mixer. I get the baby. She calmed down, but I am not so eager to hug and smooch. I beg her to just let me stir in the chips and cherries and get one dozen in the oven. Tallu wasn't having it, and I barely get the mix-ins mixed in. Now I'm singing the "Me-Me-Me" song to Tallu as I rest her on my hip, turn off my preheated oven, and stash my parchment covered cookie sheet.

The "Me-Me-Me" song is an ad-lib, but it's chorus is the same: "Me Me Me Me Me Me MEEEEE!" Tallu thinks it's hilarious, and it reminds me that when I get upset because I can't get shit done, there is a good reason. I told my husband about my ordeal as I finally put a batch of cookies in the oven, and we agreed that this year's baking marathon will involve one person watching Tallu as the other one mixes and bakes.

The cookies held their shape, so there will be cookies for gifts after all. No thanks to Tallulah, my cranky, teething baking assistant :-D

Quick Update

2008-12-12T01:55:00.002-05:00

tallu has two teeth! she's also waving hello now. the waving is at its cutest when she's nursing in the early morning- she waves to me in her sleep while eating :-) she's been eating dinner since monday, and thanks to her father, she's a much neater eater. and she likes to stand up, with help of course. it's 2 am...i should join my family in sleepyville...

party all the time

2008-12-12T01:15:00.002-05:00

The family had a busy weekend. My husband was in a parade last Friday, which my daughter and I attended. The parade was short, but the drummers were all warmed up, so we went to an afterparty where they kept playing. It was loud, but good god it was fun! We didn't leave until almost midnight, but Tallu was well occupied. There were so many drums to watch, so many people to dance with, a pretzel rod to suck on, milk to drink. She never complained, and she slept well on the way to the parade and on the way home from the party, so she was well rested for her night of samba!

Tallu and I had on serious earphones to protect our ears- hers were pink, mine were black. If there are any parents out there who want their children to be exposed to live music but want their children to keep their hearing, urge you to get earphones. She kept them on as long as I had them on her, and she never went to fuss with them. My husband bought them for her so that he can take her to class with him, and so we can take her to his and other drum performances. I promise you, I've been checking her hearing ever since last Saturday, and she's fine.

A friend of ours gave us tickets to a cabaret on Saturday. She was promoting the party and said the tickets were for our first date night. Milady spent the night with her buddy Jay and his mommy and daddy, while we had drinkie-poos and a few hours alone, in a club with a hundred or so other people. It was strange not having her either next to me or attached to me, or even in the same building as me. I was nervous the entire car ride to the club. "Is she going to be okay?" "Are you sure?" I kept asking my husband every two-five minutes. He assured me that she would be, and that I would be okay, too. "But she's all alone, my poor baby," I said. If she's not with me, she may as well be alone, and I could barely breathe until we got a text message from our friends, showing a sleeping baby.

It was a short night - we told our friends we'd be home by midnight- but it was just enough time. I'm still nursing, so my boobs won't let me be away from Milady for so long. Plus I'm not used to being out of my house after 8pm anymore! We managed to have a few drinks, some snacks, and some time to talk without one of us having to check on, play with, change, or feed a baby. For the first time in eight months, my husband and I were just a couple out for the night, not Tallu's parents.

When we went to pick up the baby, we couldn't get her right away. Everyone in the house was sleeping, so our friends weren't answering their phones! We walked down the street, stood on their porch for a few minutes, then sat in the car until they returned our last call. She cried a few minutes, they said, then fell asleep and stayed asleep until we came inside.

Date night was a success, and both couples have agreed to babysit for each other for future date nights. We will have to plan next month's activity, and hope Tallu is as cooperative as she was last Saturday. Hmm...what to do for our second date?

We Survived

2008-12-01T16:32:00.004-05:00

The family is back home...
Hold up...

What the fcuk is Gov. Palin doing on television? AARGH! Where's the remote!

Anyway, my family is back home after a four day, four family (and friends) holiday frenzy. Oh lord, what a loong weekend! Tallu saw her three cousins from her dad's side, two of whom are cousins from Wisconsin. She had such a great time watching her cousins, who are 3, 2, and 15 months run and jump and walk and eat and do all that stuff that big kids do. I even let Tallu "chase" her older cousin M- I held her upright and ran behind her cousin M. Both girls got a big kick out of that.

There were more children to see in Queens on Saturday, but they were 10, 6, 5, and 5, so they played amongst themselves. There were also a 2 year old and four month old, so the younger children were passed around among the adults. I don't think there was much interaction between Tallu and the babies there, except the photo ops.

Finally, on Sunday Tallu saw one of her godmothers, had brunch at Tavern on the Green with her aunt and uncle, and met a friend of mine I haven't seen in about seven years. This baby was busy! We are still catching up on sleep, and her sleep pattern is totally off, thanks to the travel. It's 10:40pm and she's still awake. I've been trying to get her to sleep since about 8:30.

The general consensus is that Tallu is a good baby- she is happy, pleasant and rarely cries - and should be earning her college tuition by modeling, right now. She should also be sleeping in a crib, eating solid food, and getting rid of that chesty cough. I apprecitate the compliments, and I wish I could do something about the chesty cough. For now, though, I have to stop this post, because some well-behaved baby is still fighting sleep, and her father's long attempt at walking the hall was to no avail.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-11-23T23:26:00.004-05:00

"I hate the holidays." This isn't exactly how I feel. I don't like the frenzy of it all. The marathon visitations. Being on my best behavior. No corner to escape, to have a moment for myself. I'm whining... what does this have to do with motherhood?

My parents were married for almost thirty years, but they didn't spend the holidays together very often. The four of us always started and ended the holiday together at home, but my mom would go to her family, my dad would go to his (although, sometimes, he would go with my mom.) I tried to follow my dad sometimes, but the last holiday I remember spending with his family, there was lots of yelling, and I ended up in my great-grandmother's bathroom crying because I couldn't take the fighting anymore. I gave up on that whole dividing time between the families BS after that.

But there were years when the four of us chose stay home together, and that was great. No schlepping to Queens, or Harlem, getting comfortable, only to have to get bundled up and come home. We could eat an oven stuffer chicken, since none of us really liked turkey. We could stay in our pajamas if we wanted. A happy holiday, indeed.

Our family likes to stake their claim for Turkey Day at least a year in advance, and there are no backsies! (I have a fabulous example I could insert here, but I won't.) We're whisking Milady to three states in as many days, and jamming her between us on a double sized air mattress for as many nights. Christmas Day, at least, we've claimed for ourselves, and everybody knows. (And if they don't, they will know by the end of this weekend.) The day before and the day after Christmas I think we're committed. By the New Year's Day, I think I'll need to be committed for a few days.

I know she's a baby and won't remember her first Thanksgiving or Christmas no matter where it is, but I'm not sure if Tallu will ever know the peaceful bliss of being home for the holidays.
My husband commutes a few hours each day for work, so a Thanksgiving at home would be wonderful. He could spend all day with his baby, I could see him for more than an hour and a half before sleep. We could watch the Thanksgiving Day parade in front of a roaring fire, sipping cocoa in our pajamas...who knows what family traditions we would have, if only we had time to cultivate them?

Gobble gobble, everybody!

Eat This!

2008-11-23T15:57:00.002-05:00

I read on a forum that some babies prefer to feed themselves. So I put a few pieces of banana in a bowl for Tallu, finger-sized bites. Tallu has dumped the pieces on her tray, and is now licking the bowl and playing it like a tamborine. Whatever banana pieces she didn't drop on the floor are on her little tray. I guess I can't call this self-feeding a failure yet, since this is attempt #1. Thank goodness she's nursing; she's getting plenty of food. Her cheeks are filling out, and the milk thighs are fattening up rather nicely. No teeth yet, but I can feel one on the bottom row, finally! We've had a few rough nights where Tallu wakes up screaming after she's been set down for the night. It's hard to know when the pain is going to bother her, especially when she's not complainig all day, or before she goes to sleep. It's driving her father crazy, especially when she starts thrashing in the middle of the night, like she did again last night (actually 5 am).

I'll keep trying the "solid foods as food, not toys" experiment and report back on her progress.

Para Ti, Zo

2008-11-18T00:26:00.002-05:00

Sunday afternoon the three of us went to a benefit cabaret. There were a few children around, but one little girl, CeCe, was particularly interested in Tallu. Tallu started to fuss, and CeCe asked what was wrong. When I told her I had to nurse Tallu, CeCe asked: "Are you a nurse? Is she sick?" so I had to explain what nursing means. CeCe was right there watching, asking what I was doing, where was the baby eating from, how did I have milk? She wanted me to lift my shirt and show her where the milk was coming from. CeCe didn't care that we only met that night, she had to know! It was so noisy in the place, and CeCe was talking near her head, so Tallu kept popping off my boob, so CeCe got to see Tallu latch on and pop off. That wasn't enough for CeCe, but I figured it would have to do, since I didn't even know where her mother was. A few minutes CeCe's older brother came over, and CeCe yelled to him something about me having milk in there, as she pointed to my chest. She wanted me to show him where the milk was coming from, but he huffed, "Look, I already got that lesson in health class."

A Day Off

2008-11-14T01:02:00.002-05:00

I do not get to leave the house without my baby these days. It would be so nice to do something by myself, without my baby. I can't take a whole day because of the whole breastfeeding thing. I could go a few hours though. There's only one rule: it has to be absolutely unrelated to motherhood.

Election Day

2008-11-05T02:11:00.004-05:00

Dear Tallulah,

You slept through a defining moment in American History, one that you and I will talk about when you're older. Senator Barack Obama became the forty-fourth president, and first African-American president of the United States of America. You'll learn how it happened when you start taking American History in school, but that's not what I want to preserve for you tonight.

It was not by accident that I took you into the booth with me when I cast my vote. We went to the polls as a family of three, but the women of this family went into the booth together. My mom took me when she went to vote, and since women in the United States have only had the vote since 1920, I thought it was important that I carry you to the booth with me on this, the first presidential election of your lifetime. You should know that we were not the only black women in the polling place. The judge who checked me in was a black woman. (She actually has a son a month older than you.) Every person working the polls for our precinct was a black woman.

Daddy and I were talking about how hasty it was for the newscasters to call states for Obama when not even half the precints had reported. The next thing we know, people are rejoicing. Women are crying, Rev. Jesse Jackson is weeping, the newscasters are speechless. When their voices return, the prevailing refrain is that the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., that "a man would be judged not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character," has come to pass. America has overcome.

There was jubilation from many, but not from your mother. In fact, I said to your father that I'd belive this country has overcome when it elects a Native American lesbian who lived on welfare and who's open about the abortion she had, as president of the United States of America. (Your dad is not as cynical as Mommy, don't worry.)

I am pleased Obama won, don't get me wrong. I voted for him, and I would have been very disappointed if he wasn't elected. But his election to the presidency doesn't signal to me change has come, that race is no longer an issue in America. We are overcoming, and this is an important part of a long process.

I'm still struggling with issues of race in America, and you will too, hopefully less than I. It will be tough for the both of us, but know that I always love you, and I'll try to explain the minefield of race, gender, and class as best I can.

Love,
The Milk Lady

One More Thing

2008-11-03T13:43:00.002-05:00

Tallu has her own way to deal with teething. She clasps her hands and hits herself in the mouth to numb the pain. Or, if I'm holding her, she bangs her mouth into my shoulder. So, my husband read my last post while the three of us were in bed and said, "So, you're gonna start her in the crib tonight, huh?" I couldn't bring myself to let her sleep alone after watching her punch herself in the face for two hours (even after I gave her acetaminophen). I had a feeling if she started screaming I'd be the one to have to wake up and tend to her, and you all know how I feel about my sleep.

We both deserved a good rest. She's napping again in the crib. I'll take that small victory. I don't know when we'll start the night transition. I should know by now not to commit to such bold undertakings in print.

How's the baby?

2008-11-02T14:24:00.002-05:00

Tallu is seven months old, and 14 lbs, 14 oz. She's had some congestion for the past three weeks, and she's also been teething. The doctor scheduled her second flu shot for Saturday, but she had a slight fever, so the doctor decided not to do it that day. She's also sitting up unassisted, and babbling a lot. She still doesn't love tummy time, but she'll do it if well distracted.

I took down the bassinet portion of the playpen because Tallu was getting too big for it. This wouldn't be a problem, except she does not like sleeping in her crib at night. It's 2:39 pm, and she's taking a nap, in the crib. She's been down for an hour, and asleep in the crib about half an hour. Tonight we'll start the transition, which is going to be loud, long, and sleepless for me, I'm sure. I brushed up on the No Cry Sleep Solution, which sounds more humane to me than Cry It Out. NCSS is all about routine, routine, routine. I don't like routine, but my husband is tired of being slapped in the face at 5 in the morning by the baby.

Speaking of baby, she's done with the nap. Byee!

More Children?

2008-11-01T17:46:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I thought questions about family planning would stop after I gave birth to my daughter. The next question is: "When are you going to have another one?" I've noticed it's never "Are you going to have another one", because why would you only want one child? My answer used to be that we're having another one in about two years. But after the week I had last week, I'm not so sure.

I agreed to babysit a friend's child- her baby is seven months older than mine. We both figured since he knew me the transition from mommy all day to someone else all day would be easier on him. Ummm....no.....he cried for hours the first day, only stopping to eat breakfast. I would try to console him, but just as I calmed him down, I'd have to nurse Tallu. He's also a breastfed baby, and the sight of my baby nursing sent him into a tailspin. I got him to sleep by taking him and Tallu for a stroll around town. But after lunch he cried some more, and if I was holding my baby he wouldn't come near me, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Tuesday went a little better, but only because my husband worked from home, so my charge had a devoted playmate for a little while. His joy lasted until my husband sequestered himself in the living room to work. My husband, Tallu, and I went to bed exhausted.

Wednesday through Friday he cried and screamed a little less, but was clearly unhappy. It was a hard adjustment for him, going from having mommy's undivided attention and milk on demand, to me having to juggle two babies, and him having to see the other little baby get booby. I was worn, he and Tallu couldn't keep each other company, and Tallu wasn't sleeping much during the day. I was sorry I couldn't help my friend for longer, but I thought it would be better for both babies if I didn't keep him.

His mom and I talked every day, and the one thing that baffled us is how women have children so close in age. I was beginning to wonder I could handle more than one child period, let alone two close in age. I think I'd like to enjoy Tallu alone for a few more years. Maybe when she's going to pre-k I'll be ready for number two. It's not the two to three year gap my husband and I have talked about, but we'll see.

I Blame Myself, Really

2008-10-23T22:38:00.002-04:00

It is 10:39 pm. Tallu is usually deep asleep by now, but tonight we're having a little trouble. I set her down in her bassinet after snoozing in my lap for awhile, and she woke up. My husband just took her for a walk, put her back in the bassinet, but she's not having it. I bet if I had just laid her on the bed she'd still be out, and my husband and I would be in the kitchen savoring triple chocolate ice cream pops.

There are many parents out there who would probably stick their tongues out at me and say: "Well, this is what you get for spoiling your child and letting her sleep in your bed, you lazy, co-sleeping wench!" Damn right I'm lazy! She's sleeping in our room because I am too lazy to get up in the middle of the night to walk down the hall to feed her. You think I wanna go to the foot of the bed to feed her at 3am? Side nursing was the best skill I've mastered thus far. I'm so good, I can now feed her from either boob without having to move her.

Eh, at least she's not screaming. And her dad gets to hold her for a while. That's really why I did it, I knew he wanted some daddy-daughter time.

A Distraction from the Debate

2008-10-02T22:00:00.003-04:00

I'm writing this blog as I watch the Biden-Palin debate. I need to keep half my attention on something other than listening to the guvnah. Now she's talking again, so I can keep writing. Her voice strikes the same chord in me that GWBush's does....

but I digress....

Tallulah had her six month check-up with the pediatrician. Five immunizations: one drink, four shots. She's growing steadily, weighing at 13 lbs, 8.5 oz. Her doctor says we can start her on solid foods, something Tallu did earlier this week.

People say the sign is that a child is very interested in what is on your plate. Tallu's been watching us eat, grabbing at our plates, and grabbing at my cup. So this week I decided to give her some banana, while I ate an apple. She didn't eat much fruit- about a quarter of a teaspoon (I ate my apple, and the rest of her banana). I wasn't sure any banana got into her mouth, since she refused to take it from the spoon. The proof was in her diaper the next day. I won't post it here, but yes, we did photograph it. We were going to take it to the doctor because I wasn't sure what the hell those specks were at first.

On the flip side, I have not really shared all the bad stuff I've done. I think it's important, so that all of you know that none of us are perfect, and new mothers know that you are not alone. So here's a short list of missteps. I'm in the runnings for mother of the year!

-Tallu's got a cold (for a week), diaper rash (two weeks), and a low grade fever (nurse said that's no big deal).
-It's 10:30pm, and she's still awake. (sorry, husband mentioned she's awake again.)
-I breastfeed on demand, so I have to make up an answer when Tallu's pediatrician asks how many times she breastfeeds a day.
-Tallu sleeps in the bed with us at some point during the night, because we've learned how to nurse in our sleep.
-Tallu's fallen out the bed while I was out of the room. (In my defense, I put a pillow on the bed as a barrier. Thankfully, she pushed the pillow on the floor, and fell on the pillow.)
-My house is completely un-childproof. How do I know? I turned my back for five seconds, and Tallu had a plastic shopping bag in her hand. (I have no idea where it came from, I swear!)

And through all of this, she's managed to live to 6 months, three days. She's a happy, calm, healthy baby. Her dad just said she's coming along in her sitting up and talking. She's using her hands, she's laughing, teething, eating, peeing, pooping, and sleeping. We love her, I love her, and I think she loves us.

AWESOME!

2008-09-25T00:21:00.002-04:00

Tallulah's fighting another cold, and neither of us have been sleeping too well the past two nights. A good mother would be in bed asleep at 12:25am, knowing she and her baby need their rest, but not me. No, I'm on the computer updating my blog. I've always been known for my sound judgment. This entry will be brief - I'm fading, fast...

We had a CHOP appointment Tuesday morning. This was the 6 month checkup, X-Ray included. Dr. Flynn had this to say about her progress: "Talllulah's hips look awesome!" The conditions are right for healthy bone development, and she actually has the hip bones of a nine month old. We return for another follow-up X-Ray shortly before her first birthday. It's sad for us because we won't get to see the nurses and admin staff for another six months.

Back From Vacation

2008-09-16T23:21:00.002-04:00

Hello! I would have posted while I was on vacation, but the camp we stayed at had no internet or cell phone access. The three of us went to Sweden, Maine and had a lovely time. It was a little chilly, but the company kept us warm.

Tallu hiked a mountain, sat on a dock, endured mosquito bites, had lobster-flavored milk, toured her parents' college campus, and survived her longest car trip yet. Now that she's teething car rides are not so enjoyable for the three of us. We were able to break up the seven hour trip with stops to visit family and friends un NY, CT, and MA.

I'm nursing Tallu as I write, it's 11:34pm, and I'm tired...gnight y'all

Water Baby

2008-09-04T23:42:00.012-04:00

This is the third time Tallu has been in the pool. She had a great time! She kicked her legs and moved her arms like she had done this before. (Well, she has, but amniotic fluid is a lot warmer, and my belly was much smaller than this pool.) She also pursed her lips to keep the water out. Here's Tallu with her grandfather, practicing her crawl stroke.

Her first pool experience wasn't the most pleasant because she was cold and hungry. The second time I fed her about fifteen minutes before she went in, and we chose the hotter part of the day. She stayed in for a little longer without freaking out. This last time she stayed in for about 15 minutes.

Her dad did a good job of checking her body temp by feeling her cheeks. He figured if her face wasn't cold, she was probably warm enough. Watch the baby- she can't tell you she's cold, but you'll see her changing colors. Tallu's lips were a little blue by the end of her swim. I stayed dry to document her swim and to warm her up when she was finished. Bring two towels: one to dry the baby, and another to wrap the baby after you've removed her wet bathing suit.

Between my body heat, the dry towel, and warm milk, Tallu warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed a quick post-workout nap.

Tidbits

2008-09-04T22:44:00.002-04:00

Here's an update on Tallu, something I haven't done for a while.

Milady is five months old, with lots of curly hair, big cheeks, and turkey legs. The cough is finally gone, though every once in a while she needs to clear her throat. She doesn't really enjoy being on her stomach for very long, and would much rather move around on her back. Tallu loves her rainforest gym and uses her hands and feet to play with her toys. She's found her hands, and mine, which have become her chew toys while she's teething.

I know the proper term is teething toys, but for some reason I keep calling them chew toys...

Anyhoo- she's not exactly sleeping through the night. She sleeps in five hour stretches. Now that I am not leaving the house for work, I don't mind getting up in the middle of the night. The last early morning feeding I bring her in the bed with us, because she can nurse in her sleep, and I can nurse her while I sleep.

There is a radio campaign in my city urging parents not to co-sleep with your baby. You could roll over on the baby in your sleep, crush her, suffocate her. She's safer in her own crib. Could these things happen? When I was fourteen my sister and I slept over at my aunt's house to hang out with my cousin. My aunt was babysitting an infant, and when it came time for bed she asked who wanted to sleep with him. I volunteered, and it meant the baby and I would have to sleep together on the sofabed. (There were also kittens in the living room, somehow they ended up in the bed with us.) I remember waking up twice. The first time the baby was crying. The second time I smelled something awful. I thought he pooped, but it was one of the kittens. However, I did not roll over on the baby, and I was not his mother.

If you have a large enough bed and you want your infant to sleep with you, I say why not? (I wouldn't recommend it if you've had a little too much to drink, or if you're on heavy medication.) I get more sleep after the 3 AM feeding because I don't have to wake up at 5 or 6 to feed her again. My husband gets more sleep because he doesn't have to hear a crying baby. Tallu gets more sleep because she can just wiggle over to me and nurse. Everybody's happy.

The Inappropriate Behavior of Strangers

2008-08-29T01:46:00.003-04:00

We're driving down Broad Street when this voice calls out to us from the next lane. I turn to look, and it's a man in a white commercial van. Here's a transcript of the conversation

Driver: "You have a beautiful baby back there. Just beautiful."
Me: "Thank you, thank you."
Driver: "And what are you doing up there? You should be in the back seat with her."
Me: "She needs her alone time, too!"
Driver: "You don't need to be up there with him. It's all about her now!"
Me: "Aww, she's alright. She enjoys her alone time (fake laugh)"

Here's what I'm thinking:
Look, dude. I don't know how many children you have stashed in the back of your van. But my baby aint gonna be one of them. So do us both a favor, and keep your eyes on the road, Chuck.
Don't be looking in this car at my baby...shiiit....

Who does this? Who operates a moving vehicle and feels compelled to talk to a stranger about the baby in her car? Clearly this man felt it was his civic duty, but he really needed to keep his eyes straight ahead. The man wasn't that concerned for her, cuz a few minutes later he cut us off. Jackass.

Then there was the waitress we had at IHOP. She gushed for five minutes about how cute the baby is, she's got one around that age, her children are mixed too - aren't they the cutest? Meanwhile, my husband and mother are starving, and I'm getting ready to pass out from fever. She even takes out pictures from her apron to show us, then takes our order. When she dropped the check, she asked to hold the baby. I had to shut that down- I told her Tallu was sick, which was true. I couldn't let another waitress hijack my baby. Did I tell you all about the one who scooped up Tallu from her grandmother's arms while asking: "Oh, can I hold her?"
Yeah...

I don't know what possesses people to behave like this.

Home Economics

2008-08-23T00:43:00.002-04:00

Now that I am a stay at home mom, it is my job to maintain the apartment's cleanliness and well-being. This requires a level of organization I have never aspired to, nor was interested in attaining. I started creating a list of everything that needs to be done in the house. I typed it on the house computer. The printer is acting up, so I couldn't print out the list to finish working on it. This is how lazy I am- I let a printer malfunction prevent me from completing the chore sheet I started to create for myself!

I hate schedules, I abhor chores. But if I am going to be at home I have to be organized so I can take care of Tallulah and this house. And prove to my husband and myself that it was a good idea for me to quit working. I could write a brief essay about feminism and motherhood in the 21st century, but I don't have time to wax philosophically, my sink is full of dirty dishes and there are mountains of clothes that need to be washed.

Family Down!

2008-08-22T23:51:00.004-04:00

Everyone in my house has been felled with some illness for nearly three weeks. It started with Tallu having a fever and accompanying cough. Last Sunday my husband and I felt a little off, and later that afternoon I went down with a fever and slight cough. Two days later, my hsuband joins the high fever club.

Tallu's cough was not really improving, so last Wednesday I took her to the doctor, after I quit work (see last week's post.) There was no medicine I could give her, and the doctor sent us home with a plan to see her on this Monday, and to call if she took a turn for the worst.

We returned to the doc on Monday, and Tallu has bronchiolitis, or bronchitis lite, as her father and I called it. Bronchiolitis is an inflammation of the bronchioles, the airways that lead to the lungs. It is a virus that affects children under 2, and is more common among children who live in close quarters.

Going to a daycare where a child already has bronchiolitis helps spread the virus.

That's right. Tallulah was sitting in a room with an infected baby. The daycare workers said nothing to me about one of their children being sick, which pissed me off. Knowing a child was sick would not have prevented mine from becomming sick. It just would have been nice to know. How do I know there was a carrier? One of the workers, whom I happen to know, told me one of the children was sick. This was after Tallu had her fever, of course.

Bronchiolitis is a common childhood illness, but it can develop into something more serious. An article I read online says children who have had bronchiolitis may be more likely to develop asthma. More research needs to be done to clarify the relationship between asthma and bronchiolitis.

Tallu is doing better, her cough is sounding drier and is much less frequent. The doctor prescribed only Tylenol if she was very uncomfortable and to lower her fever. We bought a cool mist humidifier to soothe her at night, and did lots of sucking snot with the baby nasal aspirator.

The moral of this story: babies + daycare= sickness. If your child is sick and she's enrolled in daycare, do the rest of the parents a favor and keep your child at home. If you work for a daycare and you recognize a child is sick, do the children a favor and send that child home. And let the parents know someone was sick. You don't have to name names, but just communicate, please.

WHAT?!

2008-08-13T21:53:00.003-04:00

I quit my job today.

Let's take a moment to let that settle...

I spent the weekend in the Poconos with four friends and their children. We all had a good time, but there came a point Saturday night where I had to put Tallu to bed. I could have nursed her, set her down, and rejoined the party (which I heard was mad fun, yo), but I chose to turn in with her. Why? First, we were sleeping away from home, and I wanted to make sure she slept. Second, when she woke up at her usual feeding times, I would have to get up with her. That would have been a bit tougher if I stayed up to hang out with the crew. I chose to meet my child's needs instead of playing fun drinking games until 4 in the morning. This was a wise decision, because Milady decided to wake up at 6:45 Sunday morning, smiling and ready to play.

By the end of the weekend I had spent a lot of time with my baby, and I was heartbroken that Monday morning I would have to leave her. I was not at all pleased with the daycare she was in, and I couldn't bear to send her anymore. Her dad and I toured a center a block from work, and although it was better place, it just wasn't good enough. These women were not me, and no one could take better care of my Tallu better than I. So, why am I putting my baby in someone else's hands?

I told my husband I want to stay home with Tallu, and he said okay. The budget would be tight, but I was prepared to go in today to give my two weeks notice. This morning- 5 am, actually- she woke up congested, coughing, and crying. I had to suck the snot out of her nose with the aspirator. All the while I'm thinking "Okay, I'm not sending her to daycare today, I've got to get her to the doctor, and I'm giving them my notice today."

This was definitely not my most professional moment, but Tallulah is my number one priority. I promised my daughter that I would never put my job before her again, after pushing a flatbed from the basement to the first floor elevator at 36 weeks. I broke that promise when I put her in a daycare that displeased me to fulfill my contract for this organization. Consider my resignation as an apology to Tallu.

Fever!

2008-08-05T22:34:00.002-04:00

103.3, to be exact.
Tallu had a fever Monday morning, which meant I stayed home to take her to the doctor. The heat was radiating from her head, she was whiny, and once she refused to nurse. I decided to check her temperature after I changed her diaper. Once the thermometer passed 101 I started crying. Yes, I know that's silly. Her leg was on backwards at birth, but I got a wigged out because the baby had a fever.

Obviously she's fine now, I gave her acetomeniphin (with the doctor's permission, of course.) The doctor said to watch her temperature over the next 48 hours, and if it didn't return to normal, or if she behaved unusually, to bring her back. This morning her temperature was normal, but it did rise to 100.3 this afternoon. No big deal- more meds, fever's down again. I'll check it before we leave home tomorrow, to make sure she's well.

For the past two days she's been nursing like she'll never nurse again. That's actually a good thing. Nursing is always a good thing, but keeping a baby hydrated is important, especially when she has a fever. But being home for the past two days (well, three- she was starting to go downhill Friday) was good for her, but bad for me.

I realized that I have no interest in working anywhere for the next eight months except with Tallu. Given the hell that I just went through with my various debtors, you'd think I'd be clawing at my job's doors. I'm simply not interested in being there. It's been three weeks now- that schpiel about returning to work being a good thing was just to convince myself to get there in the mornings.

The desperation has worn off, and I realize the place she's at now is not so hot. I picked her up Thursday and one of the caretakers said to me: "I am exhausted. We had fifteen babies, and two of us this afternoon." The ratio of infants to adults in such a facility is supposed to be 3:1. That's not negotiable. A woman I know started working at Tallu's daycare yesterday. She gave me the inside scoop about what she saw happening there during the day she interviewed, which was last Friday. I won't share the details here, but it did not inspire confidence. I cannot confirm that the two boo-boos on the back of Tallu's feet happened while she was in daycare, but I'm sure they didn't happen while she was at home.

The reality is that I need money. But my daughter needs to be taken care of, which is more important than money. Speaking of which, I need to pump so she'll have food for tomorrow. So no matter how much I want to stay home with her, I cannot. Even if I leave my job, I'll have to work somewhere else, since no one's gonna pay me to stay home. I really can't get much more than an hour or two of work done- believe me, I've tried.

Caring for a feverish baby was not easy, but it was nice to be home with her again. Now she's well, and playing mommy is over- I gotta get back to work tomorrow.

An Ugly Confession

2008-08-03T01:13:00.003-04:00

No one is reading this blog except my husband and myself, so I can "speak" freely.

My family is religious, but also superstitious. My mom would say things like "Don't eat standing up, you make the house poor," and "If your right hand itches money is coming to you." My dad swept my foot one day, and demanded that I spit on the broom. When I asked him why, he said if I didn't I'd go to jail. I also had to burn or flush hair from my comb lest someone get a hold of it and do voodoo on me, according to him.

They also have superstitions around babies. You're not supposed to let them look into a mirror before they turn a year old. I forget what happens if you do. You're not supposed to call a child pretty, lest death should come for the child. Sounds awful, but according to my family, this has happened.

My father had a sister about a year or so younger than him, and they were playmates, but she died when she was a toddler. My great-aunt says she was a beautiful child, so beautiful that my grandparents would fight over which one of them would hold her. One day the child fell ill, and my grandparents and aunt got in a cab to take her to the hospital, but she died in my aunt's arms before they reach the emergency room.

I know it's awful, but I've started to cringe when people focus on the baby's appearance. No one wants to be told their child is homely! But I am starting to cringe when people say how beautiful she is. I am quick to raise the canopy over her when we're walking down the street. I even turned her stroller away from a lady who was staring at her in the mall today. I didn't do it maliciously or overtly, I don't think.

I have thought of fashioning a little paper bag to put over her head when we leave the house, with air and eye holes, of course. Mainly I think "Don't look at my child!" when we're walking down the street. I will accept the compliment, because I don't want to be rude. This fear that these compliments will result in losing my baby unsettles me.

Haiku...in lieu of payment

2008-07-31T22:50:00.004-04:00

I'm not one for poetry, but I do love a good haiku. It was a second grade English lesson, and it is my favorite poetry to write to this day. What does this have to do with first-time motherhood, you ask?

(Why are you reading over my shoulder, jackass)
[Sorry, the husband's being nosey. He just asked if that's staying in...]

Back to haiku...I was at work when my cell phone rang. The ID flashed "Restricted," so I didn't answer. I know it's a bill collector calling, but there's only so many times I can say:

"I was on 12 weeks unpaid maternity leave...oh, thank you [the collector just congratulated me]... I just returned to work in the middle of a pay period, and I now have three cents in my account, so I won't be able to send you anything until the first of the month."

So I was thinking I should compose a haiku for my outgoing voicemail message.
How's this?

I know I owe you
I work for a non-profit
You earn more than me

Or what about this?

Bills are overdue?
When I got it you'll get it
The best I can do

Third time's the charm...

Hi, bill collector
I have no money for you
Now have a nice day

Will it work? I'll let you know :-)

No More Velcro Straps!

2008-07-22T03:08:00.004-04:00

Tallu's been out of her harness for eight days!
She can kick her legs, and stretch out whenever she feels like it. I don't catch a whiff of sour milk every time I pick her up. Our little turkey is free.

The weaning process was important, physically for her, and mentally for mom and dad. I think taking her out of it cold turkey (I need another poultry reference...) would have been overwhelming. It took the four weeks to me to re-learn how to hold her, and I'm sure Tallu needed time to get used to not being confined twenty-four-seven.

Taking her out for two hours each day was simple. We took her out at 6pm, put her on her gym, gave her a bath, put her in, nursed her and put her to bed. It was a short break enjoyed by all.

Temptation became stronger as the breaks out of the harness stretched, especially during the last week. She only wore it at night, and it seemed so cruel to strap her in for bedtime. We had established a routine by the eight hours out week: I'd nurse her and put the harness on while she slept. (I was amazed she could sleep through it) The most difficult night was last Monday. She was asleep on the bed, and I paced in and out of the room for a half hour, harness in hand. What's one less night? I thought. She won't know she skipped a night. But I would, and I was afraid that one night would ruin months of progress. So I went back in the room and prayed for the strength to strap her in that stinky thing one last time. Of course I took photos of her last night in the harness.

She slept well, but I was on edge the whole night. When she woke up for her 4 am feeding, I was all too happy to call her night over, and I took her out for what I hoped would be the last time. Her doctor's appointment was a week later, so we wouldn't know for sure if the therapy was complete.

We went to CHOP yesterday, and Dr. Flynn said we can burn the harness:-D
Her hip has healed very well. We return for follow-up X-rays at the end of September, and March of next year. Tim and I spent Monday night creating a thank you card for the staff, a collage of Tallu from the inverted leg, through the phases of treatment, to the end result.
Dr. Flynn thought the card was awesome -he could show the nurses who came with him what her leg looked like before treatment. One of the nurses said it should be a marketing tool for other parents, so they can see how well the treatment works.

I just thank God she was born in the 21st century, that she did not need surgery to fix her leg and hip, and that we never have to put her in that contraption again.

Let's Try This Again

2008-07-10T20:32:00.003-04:00

Fast forward to Day Four of Tallu in Daycare...she's doing fine. Eating, sleeping (especially since I starting bringing her little bed, so she can stretch out instead of sitting in the car seat), and generally enjoying herself. The word on the street is at this early age there's no separation anxiety because the baby doesn't know you're gone. It's harder on the parents than the baby. If she were six months when we would start daycare, then there would be an issue.

It was very difficult for me to put her in daycare. I didn't cry when I dropped her off, or when I got to work. I'd done my crying over the weekend, while everyone was asleep. We spent the weekend at the shore and in NYC, so I used the time to wean her from having me all day long. I only held her to nurse, and I'd try not to be in her eyesight. I was also weaning myself from having her near me all day long. It was awful, but I had to do it if I was going to go to work.

Meanwhile I was a horrid person to my husband the whole weekend. I think Monday he said I was acting as though I was blaming him for my return to work. I've never been so proud of him in all the years I've known him- he picked up on non-verbal clues! It only took what, nine years?

So did I really blame him? Yes. He wasn't insisting I stay home if I really wanted, which pissed me off- it made me feel like he really wanted me to go back. His being sad at having to put Tallu in daycare annoyed me, since he wasn't the one who had spent every day and night with her. And not once did he offer to work from home, a perk which he successfully lobbied to his boss to gain. He did work from home while I was on leave, but he didn't do much in the way of care for Tallu during the day.

But I blamed myself, too. I was returning to a job where, working part-time (but closer to full-time) I worked myself into an early labor, for a meager salary. If I didn't have student loan and credit card debt, I wouldn't feel compelled to go back to work after spending only three months with my baby. I'm also thinking of my career. I only have a Bachelor of Arts, and I've worked my way up in this institution, from volunteer, to consultant, to employee. I'm at the very beginning, and to leave now would be a major setback.

Was it worth sacrificing full-time motherhood to return to this place? Yes, believe it or not. I have switched departments as of today. It's not a glamorous job- I'm assisting with the reorganization of the collections- lots of administrative work, and data entry. But part-time means part-time. No more 25 hours-but-really-40-hours bullshit. And, my new boss doesn't see why I can't work from home! I'm going to see if I can get a laptop from work so I can do my five hours remotely twice a week.

Quick Update

2008-07-09T00:45:00.003-04:00

It's Day Two of Daycare for Tallu, Day Two: Back to Work for Me.

We're both tired at the end of the day. We come home, I eat, then she eats, then we take a nap together. She's been asleep since about 6, and it's almost 1 am. The daycare gives a sheet of when she ate, dirty diapers, and nap time. She only napped from 10-11 this morning. She does like to be up, but I guess she can't get terribly comfortable sleeping in her carseat. I must remember to bring her little bed, maybe that will help her go down for naptime.

I'm pumping at work. My boss put up a curtain for me so I can have some privacy at my cubicle. (Of course, Tallu would start to fuss as I'm writing this at damn near 1am...)

Good News, Everyone!

2008-07-03T23:38:00.002-04:00

After a manic search, I've found a daycare for Tallu. It's a few blocks from home, it's been around for 40+ years, and they have availability and can take her this coming Monday. I'm very excited about leaving her. There are now breastmilk freezer bags in the house. We're going out of town this weekend, and I'm taking the pump with me. Maybe. I'll definitely have to take it to work to pump if she's going to continue to be "breasted."

There is some question about whether a baby can be called breastfed if she takes her mother's milk from a bottle. I guess technically the baby's not being breastfed, but po-TA-to, po-TAH-to, I say.

Anyhoo...The center is divided into two campuses. The infants are on the campus on the Ave, which means I'll get on the bus instead of the train for work. It's pretty convenient, and because it's nearer to home, I will not be able to work past 5. Daycares charge ridiculous late pickup fees- ours is $10 every fifteen minutes, some charge by the minute. It's clean, the ladies seemed nice, and the babies looked happy.

I will have to supply diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, and food. I'm planning to bring her sleeper bed, and leave the stroller there during the day. My one concern is food. One of the providers, Ms. J, asked if Tallu takes water or juice, after I told her she was breastfed exclusively. I will have to send lots of milk to guarantee that no one gives her juice or water. Of course, I cannot control what they give her, since I am leaving her in the care of someone else. I don't know how I'll be able to tell that they gave her juice, either. Smell her breath, maybe?

Ms. J said they have a few breastfed babies, so they know those babies tend to need extra holding time. That makes me feel good. I don't really want people setting her down to cry it out. She's an infant, jeez. Besides, I think the harness frustrates her, so I like to keep physical contact with her so she doesn't feel constricted AND neglected. That's my psychosis, though.

Speaking of the harness, the weaning is going well. She into the 4 hours out this week, and next Tuesday begins the 8 hours out. I have to leave that in the hands of the day care providers also.

I'll only see my baby in the morning before work and for a few hours when we get home. I'll have to check her over every day to make sure she's okay. I'm not being a paranoid new mom on this. The church secretary told me how her son's babysitter mistreated him as an infant, and it might not have gone unnoticed if her mother hadn't demanded she take a good look at the child.

This center seems like a good one, and I pray that my child will be well-cared for and safe. I'm truly sad that I have to leave her in the care of someone else so soon. But I have to put my full-time job on hold for the part-time job that pays money. I knew this day would come, but I was hoping it wouldn't.

Have a safe 4th of July, enjoy your weekend.